ovarian mind tricks

Jigga, My Slave-a

2011-01-08T08:53:00.000-08:00

Some publishers recently replaced all 219 instances of the word "Nigger" with "Slave" in Huckleberry Finn. I really hated that book in high school, so feel no need to defend its preservation on literary terms, nor in any ACLU-ish, freedom of speech kind of way.

It does make me wonder, however, what would happen if we replaced all occurrences of the word Nigger (including, Nigga, Niggaz, and NIGGA$) with the word Slave in every area of popular culture - movies, music, television, etc.?

(Insert ascending chimes and fuzzy screen as we enter the dream sequence)

- Jay-Z would immediately create a new stage name: Jay-V (rhymes much better with slavey) AKA Young Toby

- An immediate stop to all Kanye record sales. Who would want to pay that dude to call people slaves?

- Funkmaster Flex would put out a mix tape called "Most Traumatic Slave Syndrome!" Straight fire.

- Samuel L. Jackson would still be a very well paid actor

- Cornell West would marry Nikki Minaj (ok, maybe a bit of a non sequitur, but wouldn't that be funny!?)

- The Boondocks wouldn't quite be so funny anymore

- The metaphor of neighborhood block to auction block no longer subtle, Dead Prez would be out of a job

- Tyler Perry would make peace with himself and stop dressing up as Big Mammy (a girl can dream, right?)

- White people would then be afraid to use the word Slave, effectively rendering the education of American History impossible

Lose my number, rap music

2010-12-22T19:03:00.000-08:00

Some confessions:

- There is no rap music in my iTune's top 20 most played songs.

- I am referring to it as "rap music."

- I did not read Decoded yet.

- I cannot name all of Niki Minaj's multiple personalities.

Truth is, rap has given me musical blue balls like you couldn't imagine. I'm tired of the chasing, the teasing, the disappointment. I haven't given up forever, but... I guess we are taking a break.

In the meantime, this is what I am listening to these days:

Am I making this up?

2010-12-10T17:39:00.000-08:00

While I don't care for his bravado, I like Kanye's outbursts, his inappropriateness, the unflinching commitment to self (and secret self loathing). I am also thankful for the 808's album, which helped me through a messy time when an "It's Complicated" got even moreso (they say autotune is the whale song of a broken heart).

So although I wouldn't consider myself a Kanye hater, somewhere during the "Late Registration" years my interest began to wane. I'm actually certain I was in the middle of a ferocious air trumpet solo during "Touch the Sky" when it dawned on me that Kanye had no role in the greatness of that song. That is, no role beyond dusting off a Curtis Mayfield record and arranging it around a handsome bass beat.

We could debate the skill level needed to unearth and revive old records, for making old shit new and cool, the alchemy of modern sampling. We could, but we won't. Instead, take a listen to Kanye's new song "Runaway" (2010). Then (even at the risk of outing myself as an indie rock fan) take a listen to "Runaway" by the Yeah Yeah Yeahs (2009). Listen again, this time imagining a hip hop beat behind the latter track. Repeat. Post comment.

,

Cheers for Cheek to Cheek Transport

2010-12-04T18:01:00.000-08:00

5:45pm. Uptown D train.

We are uncomfortably close - faces in armpits, gym bags in crotches - and the train is not moving. The doors just keep opening and shutting, trying to disembowel the woman whose purse is keeping the monstrous metal teeth from closing. But instead, another body manages to squeeze into the train, further jostling the mass of breasts and arms and fat feet. More limbs and bags keep the doors from closing. Chomp. Chomp. Chomp.

I can block out most every subway situation. That is, until I no longer have enough personal space to even lift my book in front of my own face. With no mental escape, I suddenly notice how close we are and how silent it is. Besides the chomping of the doors and the rustling of winter coats, there were no human voices in a subway car jammed full of human beings.

Until a young man, who must have had his reading material pinned against his torso also, began to sing. Mournful and clear, he filled the car:

"Making your way in the world today takes everything you've got..."

It took a moment for the group to pinpoint the reference.

"Wouldn't you like to get away?
Sometimes you want to go
Where everybody knows your name
And they're always glad you came
You wanna be where you can see
Our troubles are all the same
You wanna be where everybody knows
Your name...."

A burst of laughter from all sides. Which led to eye contact, nods, smiles, and more laughing. Incredibly, the door finally clanged shut and we began to move, as if the gods of public transportation were waiting for us to be worthy of heart before allowing us the gift of motion.

That little ditty reminded us that making our way in the world IS fucking hard, especially in the soulless wasteland of the American rat race. Even though we are constantly surrounded by other people, what we likely want more than anything is to be somewhere with people who actually know us. Who we really are, that is, and not just the contours of our ass after we ride perfectly butt to butt from Herald Square all the way to the Harlem.

Although to be fair, isn't a little nameless butt smushing why our ancestors came to this country in the first place? I am pretty sure that is in the Federalist Papers somewhere.

Woman seeking cable provider for long walks on the beach

2010-12-02T17:27:00.000-08:00

Me: Hello! I'd like to buy some of your cable tellyvision.

Time Warner Sales Rep: Great. Are you interested in the Triple Play?

Me: Yes! I would like TNT, ESPN, and NBA TV please.

Rep: Um... I'm sorry but you have to choose one of our packages.

Me: Ok. I would like the basketball-only package.

Rep: Well the NBA league pass is $200 in addition to a monthly fee of...

Me: WHOA! How about I give you 20 bucks a month, and you can keep my tv fuzzy all day except during Celtics games?

Rep: Ma'am that is not one of our options.

Me: 30 if you let me tune in anytime Labyrinth is on.

Rep: I'm sorry but it doesn't work that way. We can offer you over 200 channels for a low rate of...

Me: How about you pay ME to let any of that housewives of kardashianville fist pumping crap into my home?!!

The Sales Rep politely hangs up.

I turn my face to the heavens and laugh in victory! That will show you, hegemonic corporate fat cats!! Take that, with your Boardwalk and your Park Place and your Luxury Tax!

But maybe I can call her back and ask what the score is?

brush with death

2010-10-03T14:49:00.000-07:00

Their words were unfamiliar, their faces bright with warrior paint. But the high pitched warbles and toothy smiles were welcoming, so I allowed myself to be seated amongst the swarm of natives. Hundreds of tiny jars and bottles were unearthed and the dazzling pigments applied to my face. The ritual, at first pleasing, induced panic as the markings were drawn over my mouth, my eyes, and my nose. I couldn’t breathe. I tried to break free but their grips tightened and the cooing became angry and impatient. The tribeswomen pinned me down, suffocating me with their smears of battle paint.

I woke up suddenly on the uptown A train. So glad to be awake and on familiar ground, several stops rushed by before I noticed I was carrying an unfamiliar satchel around my wrist. Full of many brightly colored packages and a receipt for $150, the pouch was a glossy black and had neat white letters on its front. I whispered the word to myself, trying unsuccessfully to make sense of that faraway land. What was that place....that Sephora? And who were those inexplicable women?!?

dear blogosphere,

2010-04-16T09:24:00.000-07:00

this break-up has been really good for me. i've started running, eating better, seeing other digital platforms. i'm happy without you. really.

it's just that there is so much inane commentary on lady gaga's crotch grabbing videos. and boys have been saying really stupid things to me on the street. you would think it was funny. you would think I was funny.

i miss you.

love,
me

Darling Nikki's Sex Machine is Off the Wall

2009-07-08T19:39:00.000-07:00

A summary:
1. James Brown is a legend
2. Michael Jackson is super cool
3. Prince is a sexy bitch

Watch this video all the way through. Trust me, it's worth it.

(thanks d.miz, you're right - best video everrrr!)

God Bless Central America

2009-06-30T05:53:00.000-07:00

Isn't it funny how quickly the president of an entire country can go from head of state to looking like he sells oranges on the side of the street? I'm saying, no one could have given my man a button down shirt before his press conference? Or at least ironed his v-neck? I mean really.

You can't win child

2009-06-26T09:05:00.000-07:00

Since school ended a little over a month ago, I haven't had any desire to blog. Once liberated slash graduated, it seems there was no need to be subversively sardonic on the internet. I had accepted the realization that Ovarian Mind Tricks was merely a reaction to all the time I spent trying to appropriately use phrases like "economies of scale" and "leverage your risk" while avoiding "fuck off you mindless pricks" and any mention of Chomsky or Fanon.

I was willing to let this blog fade peacefully into interweb history until Michael died and I discovered I have a lot of words inside of me still... Yes, everyone loved him - but to me Michael was like family. He was probably the weird uncle that you never quite felt comfortable being alone with in a room. But still, he was family and we loved him.

I've seen plenty of footage of Japanese people passing out at his concerts. The BBC interviewed distraught fans in Nairobi and Mumbai. A bloke in London babbled idiotically in shock over the news. But it really doesn't matter how many white kids moonwalked across the kitchen floor in their socks. He was OURS.

Michael Jackson was entirely and unequivocally a product of black amerika.

His skin bleaching (or skin disorder, however you'd prefer to look at it) and the hair straightening and the nose slimming are freakish but familiar to black folk. That perverted shit is something else altogether, but watching a beautiful and talented black person hate how they look and do everything in their power to change it? Yea, that's real life.

But these are not the conversations that people would like to have, as they nostalgically shamone! We miss you for your dancing and music and style and personal tragedy, and refuse to acknowledge the context from which you came. I guess you were right Michael, you really can't win...

Gay Fish

2009-05-18T06:17:00.001-07:00

Kanye West - Gay Fish (South Park) - kewego
South Park immortalize Kanye West as a 'gay fish'.

Press Play!

Keywords: kanye west yeezy kanye west gay fish south park gay joke hater heatbreak 808's ye kid cudi rap hip hop hype 2009 trace

Video from memew

Speaking of embarrassing moments in spanish...

2009-04-23T20:34:00.000-07:00

This is a video of my favorite meathead at the Latin Billboard awards like ten minutes ago. Poor Vin's accent isn't as bad as Mike's, but its so much more awkward... Don Omar should have coached him better beforehand, I guess.

Mayor Bloomber Hablaring Espanyole

2009-04-23T19:28:00.000-07:00

This is precisely why I don't speak Spanish well. When I talk, I hear Mike Bloomberg's painfully anglo voice. Hola. Comb-oh Essstaaaas? Damn you Mike and all your gringo friends unapologetically butchering the language of Cervantes! Damn these lazy tongues that square dance instead of salsa!

My thoughts on twitter

2009-04-18T16:44:00.000-07:00

A few weeks ago, a pal of mine was nonchalantly showing off her iphone (as iphoners are app-t to do). But instead of making the device perform useless tricks like some circus sideshow, she pointed the phone towards Mariah Carey's twitter page. It was full of updates from my arch nemesis herself that ranged from inane (I don't care if your new puppy ran on the lawn for the first time) to absolutely infuriating (why does that crazy bitch get to meet Desmond Tutu?!?!). I waved my hand in disgust, announcing that anything Mariah Carey was involved in, besides the "two or more races" box we regrettably share on the census, I certainly would not be.

So of course I went home and immediately signed up for twitter (can't let her win!).

For those of you technological laggards, twitter is a new social networking service that lets users send and read other people's updates. Tweets are short posts, basically like facebook profile updates except that you do not need to be digital friends to see other people's posts.

This is only mildly interesting if you are following your little sister (I don't really care how much she loves shaggy indie rock guys). It is amusing when you follow Vin Diesel (e-v-e-r-y post has a spelling mistake. and they're only 140 characters long, poor baby). It is laugh-out-loud funny when you follow Soulja Boy, who tweets almost constantly about cougars after his loving, xbox, cell phones, hotel rooms, and just how generally awesome he is. Just when this becomes maddening though, he says he's trying to learn The Stock Market (in caps, how endearing).

But the magic of twitter is not the celebrity stalking, however enjoyable. Twitter at its best is a race against the the 140 characters: Can you shave all of your wit and snarkyness down to one sentence? Can you be original and hilarious in two lines?? What if Tina Fey just happens to check out your twitter page and the most recent post is "Off to the gym" or "Doing laundry"? You'll certainly never get hired to write for 30 Rock with that drivel!

Unfortunately, I don't have the twitter touch - yet (Tina, please give me another chance!). But the ones who do make you wonder why humor should ever be longer than a sentence. For example, the New Yorker magazine just printed the unedited tweets of Roland Headly, a Fox news correspondent, in their latest issue. He's a republican asshole...and also a very funny man and skilled twitterer.

So say whatever you want luddites, but if the New Yorker and Fox News are embracing twitter, I'm afraid this innovation is here to stay. Best to put down the quill pens and complain about the demise of modern society in witty one liners on the internet.

Somalia is the Tupac of Africa?

2009-04-16T14:20:00.000-07:00

I don't know if that analogy is really true, or who this dude even is. But its an interesting--and unreported--angle to the story. All I know is that I told ya'll not to sleep on the Somalian coast guard aka pirates!

Thanks for the vid, apples.

Pics from South America + Panama

2009-04-03T21:08:00.000-07:00

Doin It

2009-03-08T14:56:00.000-07:00

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i'm sleepy.

Language Barrier

2009-03-06T08:31:00.000-08:00

What he said (literal translation): Nice headlights.

What he meant: Nice eyes.

What I thought he meant: Nice tits (as in, I can see your nipples).

What I said (literal translation): Fuck off guy.

When he looked genuinely injured, I thought it was because of my impressively quick and effective Spanish cursing abilities. It wasn't until a few days later that another local explained that this young man had been complimenting me and not in fact insulting me.....Ooops.

My first official mate

2009-03-04T12:11:00.000-08:00

After what should have been a 10 hour trip turned into more like 30, I was exhausted, smelly, and cold. It was in this condition that I showed up at the doors of the Pigüé Textile Cooperative, trying my best to be pleasant. The Pee Wee Herman-like adventure I had getting there deserves a completely separate blog entry, but I am not far enough away from the frustration to laugh about it yet. So that will have to wait... But you can imagine that I was not in top form, already deciding that Argentina sucked and that the rumors about stuck up porteños were true.

But a couple of minutes into the tour and all of that faded away. You know what they say, nothing like the smell of industrial chemicals and the whir of spinning machines to make a girl feel good. Anyway, my guide and I stopped in the machinist's shop, filled with rusty, oily tools used to fix other rusty, oily things that break in the factory. I don't know why I like these kind of places, but I always have. And I usually dig whoever works in there too. So we stop to chat for a bit and the guys invite me to share a mate, which I did happily.

We passed around a well-worn mate cup and talked about New York, the Ramones, socialism, capitalism, Peronism, marijuana, cooperativism, Bob Dylan, and Argentinean food - pretty much in that order. It was an unforgettable moment, and worth all of the hassle (Well, maybe not all of it - I was really smelly). But definitely a highlight.

I just saw the president of Argentina...

2009-03-01T06:22:00.000-08:00

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And she seems pretty cool. I woke up early with plans to do some adventuring, and stumbled onto a huge march stretching innumerable city blocks to the steps of Congress where Christina was talking. I didn´t really expect the porteñnos to be out marching in full effect, but surprisingly they were.

Other observations about Buenos Aires thus far:

*The city is very pretty, clean, and at moments sleek. The architecture is gorgeous and mostly everything downtown is really well-maintained.

*I am getting harrassed by more guys here than anywhere else I´ve ever travelled (even Nicaragua!). I have started saying that I am German and don´t speak Spanish. I have yet to find a common street harrasser who speaks German, so this plan is working well.

*One of the Cooperative Associations around the corner from my hotel has a bookstore and cafe with which I am in love

*People talk real funny. Everything has lots of shhhhh´s. Por ejemplo, el bus shhhheyga a las 8. Or, cual es tu appeshhhhido? Maybe I am just defensive of Central American spanish, but I´m not a big fan.

*I got hustled by a taxi driver! I am still not entirely sure how he did it, but I ended up with less money than I should have. It was the first time EVER - either travelling or in the states - that I´ve been hustled out of money like that (not including Bank of America, of course). How embarrassed to get hustled in Argentina and not in Ciudad Sandino or Bed Stuy!!! Oh well... a couple days ago in New York this middle aged man dropped a twenty dollar bill. By the time I realized it was his, he was about a block and a half away. I could have caught him, but instead I called out "hey!" (faintly) and when he didn´t answer I put the money in my pocket. This twenty dollars was part of the money I exchanged for Argentinian pesos at the airport. So I´m fairly certain that I was hoodwinked by a lame porteño taxi driver because of the bad karma I created with that Andrew Jackson. Moral of the story kids, what goes around comes around!!!!!

Baddest Bitches Series: Arianna Puello

2009-02-26T10:52:00.000-08:00

Ask Tina

2009-02-18T16:57:00.001-08:00

Give Me My Name Back!

2009-02-18T10:24:00.000-08:00

ewwww....what????!

H(ov)2O

2009-02-13T07:54:00.000-08:00

I know this is old, but I think it's worth showcasing again....

My favorite Jigga quote: "It smell"

Baddest Bitches Series: M.I.A.

2009-02-09T18:13:00.001-08:00

I know I've told you this a million times, but I'm gonna say it again. I had M.I.A.'s first CD years and years ago. Back then, everyone would get in my car and say her music made their ears hurt (ehhh hemmm ex-boyfriend). I would reply, just wait - this is some NEXT shit!, despite the nay-sayers arguments otherwise. The fact that I worshiped her then as well as now relieves me from any condemnations of hipsterdem, so don't even try it.

Anyway, M.I.A. is dope. Who else wears a polka-dot maternity bikini dress while performing ON HER DUE DATE? I love you, I love you, I love you.

And while we're on the subject of my favorite grrrl singers who have inspired recent jay-z songs, I would also like to point your attention to Santogold. Yes, her songs have been featured in car commercials, 90210, and Gossip Girl. In fact, I have a half-written blog post on this topic from months ago. But no matter. She is also dope and no amount of commercialization can erase this. And again, since I liked her before all of those selloutish moves, I am exempt from your accusations.

Now, if we can only get an M.I.A. + Santogold + Frenchie collabo, we will really be making music history! Yeehaaaw.

Guess My Race Trivia

2009-02-07T08:07:00.000-08:00

It was, by all accounts, a typical New York City night. I opted out of the freezing subway trip alone, flagged down a car on Broadway, and began the slow trip uptown.

Almost immediately, the driver asks me, "You Dominican?" Nah. "Puerto Rican?" Nah... And so began the very familiar Guess My Race Trivia. After so many years of repeating this exact exercise, you, Dear Reader, can imagine that my enthusiasm for this call and response has waned. On the other hand, I have found some twisted pleasure in timing how long my unknowing contestants will take to arrive at the correct ethnic combination. I offer no suggestions and so the driver continues with all the predictable gusto. All guesses are wrong, a few are amusing.

"Oh, oh, wait. I know! You're from the Middle East, right?" I realized at this point that he might never guess correctly, despite the many blocks ahead. So I explained, per the usual, that I was in fact half white and half black.

"Oh mixed like Mariah Carey." Unfortunately, this response is not new either.

"Yes, like Mariah Carey - but better." I say, no longer amused.

"Ohhh...Mixed like our President!" I know he is beaming, even though I can barely make out his face in the dark. His voice is so proud. To this very new and much more preferable comparison, I am also beaming.

"YES! MIXED JUST LIKE OUR PRESIDENT!"

The driver switched topics pretty abruptly, talking in solemn tones about the impending Armageddon. But I didn't care. All the sudden, I realized people's compasses for understanding my racial roulette suddenly pointed due south, to the oval office. Forget the financial crisis, war with Iran, and climate change. I am glad the guy got elected if for no other reason than he's trumped Mariah in the list of well known mixed people. Hallelujah.

Mind Over Vagina

2009-02-04T06:04:00.000-08:00

Barry is cooler than Hova

2009-01-23T16:03:00.000-08:00

I can now die happy.

"My president is black, in fact he's half white." Exactly.

Trip pictures!!

2009-01-23T11:58:00.000-08:00

I´ve been a very bad blogger!

2009-01-21T18:59:00.000-08:00

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Lots of thoughts and fewer photos to follow soon!

Gritty City

2009-01-09T14:44:00.000-08:00

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Status report

Overall: San Salvador is hot, gritty, and full of action. Guatemala`s countryside was exceptionally beautiful but I guess I prefer the energy of El Salvador´s capital. Provided I stay off the streets after dark, that is.

Interviews: Going well. My spanish failed me today for some unknown reason, which was a real bummer. I fell asleep watching american TV, so maybe that´s why...? I couldn´t resist -- its was 30 Rock, my favorite show ever.

Weather: My eyebrows are curling out of control. There is nothing to be done to help them. Same goes for the hair. Even so, the sun on my face feels soooooo nice.

Highlight: Walking around downtown San Salvador today, someone was bumping (and I mean, really loud, bass rattling the street cart vendors) tbe song Doodoo Brown! Nothing like a little Luke to set the tone in a new city.

This is why I don't stay at hostels

2009-01-07T19:24:00.000-08:00

(I'm seriously not exaggerating any of what follows)

2 white people from Kansas: How do you say your name again?

Me: TYLEA

2 white people from Kansas: Tailedah?

Me: No. TYLEA. TY-LEE-UH. TYLEA.

2 white people from Kansas: Ohh Tulekah.

Me: TIE as in your shoes. LEE as in the jeans. AH as in...ah.

2 white people from Kansas: Ohhh Tylea! Hm.....what is your ethnicity, Tulelah?

Me: Half black, half white. Nothing too interesting.

2 white people from Kansas: Really?!?! I would have thought one quarter black, probably even one eighth. I never would have guessed you were half!!!

2 white people from Kansas talk amongst themselves: Isn't Lauren one eighth black. No, no, she's half too but doesn't look black at all either. Well, at least she has a little darker tone. Yea but you really can't tell...

Me: Why, that is funny! White people can never tell I'm black, so I'm not surprised but for future reference---

2 white people from Kansas: Well would you look at the time! We've haven't eaten dinner yet. We're gonna take off. See you around!

And then they left.

Highlights, Lowlights & Other Lights

2009-01-06T17:17:00.000-08:00

Highlights:

1. Standing behind six Indigenous women in line at the bank. They were all about chest-high, decked out in traditional dress, a couple without shoes. They didn't understand how to navigate the line--you know the ones that cris-cross back and forth and are marked off by fuzzy rope things? When they finally made it to the front, they all crowded around one teller window. Anyway, it took some time to sort out but I didn't mind t'all.

2. Right now, sitting in an internet cafe in a small town with lots of hills and some AMAZING women's weaving groups. Every other computer is occupied by at least two (some have four) little boys crowding around playing video games. Naturally, they are shoving and shouting to get the controller. There are 7 little boys (I counted) at the computer next to me playing pacman. I've been elbowed a few times. I feel at home.

3. My hotel room for $3.50 a night.

4. Riding in the boat across Lake Atitlan. Dad -- I sent you some good vibes, as promised, so you should be getting that wish soon (Will wish magical volcanic wishes for money).

5. An impromptu conversation with the president of a group turned into a full out neighborhood meeting when one woman shuffled out of the room to collect some of the other women in the association. Before I knew it there were more than a dozen of us sitting in a tiny cement room. Jesus and votive candles on a table to one side, some babies rolling around on the floor, me sitting in a tiny stool made for a tiny tiny child, and a weaving demonstration afoot. Do I even need to explain how amazing this was??

Lowlights:

1. I started off my day surrounded by white women working for US-based non-profits. Some do good work, some don't. Some are here for the right reasons, some aren't. But my patience for this particular crowd is slim... In typical pessimistic fashion, I saw my whole trip getting sucked into some gringo foundation's public relations nightmare. But I broke out (one of my personal strengths, I'd say), and took a boat across the river to meet with some actual Guatemalan women. This promptly turned into a highlight (see number 3-5 above).

2. Travelling alone is wierd. I enjoy the time alone to reflect and I've been meeting quite a few people who actually live here. But I feel bad when other travellers give me the "do you want to be friends?" look as we pass in the hotel or wherever. I smile back of course. But my smile says, "I'm sorry, what? I don't speak whatever language you do." I know there are some nice people to meet, but if I wouldn't be friends with the greasy dredded german guys with black socks and burkenstocks under any other circumstances -- why bother trying now because we're in Guatemala? Am I wrong...?

Other Lights:

If you've read this far, I guess you've probably gathered that I am not dead. But for those of you worried about the landslide, I should repeat again that I am not dead. Very much alive if you consider blogging really living, that is.

Guatemala is rad

2009-01-04T17:22:00.000-08:00

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I've never been more happy to spend an entire day inside a van full of greasy french girls and their beaus who kept shouting parfait! and magnifique! when I was trying to sleep. I couldn't really blame them--every bend of the road revealed another amazing mountain pass practically begging for a photo. What they didn't realize is that they almost got a lapful of the vomit I was trying hard to supress by attempting sleep. You were right Nigel, those stupid bracelets don't help. But in the end, I made it to my destination and will thankfully get a good night's rest far away from the frenchies!

Kris Kringle Fights the Power

2008-12-25T06:15:00.000-08:00

(check out mrs. claus showing her iced out medallions)

Spank the Bankers!

2008-12-24T10:09:00.000-08:00

More about credit unions here.

The Carter Documentary

2008-12-21T15:57:00.000-08:00

If you think houston hip hop makes you feel out of touch, imagine two hours of watching Weezy talk. Yikes. Actually, movie critics at the Sundance film festival will be forced to do just that... Thats right, the official "Carter Documentary" will be featured at Sundance in January. In the film, Lil Wayne admits that he's been rapping about the same stuff (fucking, smoking, and guns) since he was 8. I don't know whether to be impressed with his precocious lyricism or be horrified at the undeniable proof that hip hop's vocabulary has been stunted around second grade.

Check out official Sundance page here

Do Da Stanky Leg

2008-12-18T19:34:00.000-08:00

I get into my rental car in San Antonio and the first thing I do, naturally, is scan the radio for the local rap station. I find it, wincing at the same Neyo song that's been playing non-stop in NY since 2003. I launch into a familiar rant about media consolidation, the commercialization of music, blah blah. But then, THIS song comes on. And I can say with confidence that regional hip-hop is actually alive and quite well in Texas. For better or for worse.

Why Won't They Give Detroit Money?

2008-12-10T15:32:00.000-08:00

Because these are factory workers not office workers, and people who don't sit at desks don't belong in the middle class.

The House will vote tonight on whether to pass an auto industry bailout plan. Everyone is complaining about how the CEOs of Ford, General Motors, and Chrysler are begging for taxpayer money as a result of bad business decisions. I agree that they shouldn't be riding around in corporate jets (the hybrid car road trip was a nice gesture), but I think the outrage is based on some fuzzy math and even worse memory.

The biggest three auto companies want = $14 billion
Bear Stearns merger with JP Morgan chase = $29 billion
American Insurance Group (AIG) = $150 billion
Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac = $200 billion
Citigroup = $300 billion
Troubled Asset Relief Plan = $350 billion!

You're right, the government must draw the line somewhere. Companies can't just go around begging for money because they made bad choices. And it's clear the line is drawn somewhere between financial services and manufacturing. So if your company invented exotic financial instruments that have never existed before, so complex and convoluted that their failure has dragged an entire world economy down into the gutter, rest easy. You surely aren't at fault. We'll just humiliate the manufacturers. People who never went to college shouldn't be allowed to own their homes and send their kids to college anyway. Bailout solved.

2008-12-08T18:46:00.000-08:00

200 workers are occupying a Chicago factory after bosses closed doors, giving just three days notice. Apparently, Bank of America won't let the company pay the workers promised severance and vacation pay.

"We're just shocked that Bank of America, after receiving $25 billion in bailout money, not only do they refuse to extend credit to companies but, to add insult to injury, they don't allow these companies to fulfill their legal obligations to their workers," union spokeswoman Leah Fried said.

Read the article here

Send a message to Bank of America execs and laid-off workers

Baddest Bitches Bureau: Beyonce

2008-12-06T17:10:00.000-08:00

Whatever, I don't care what you think. She's a living legend. Just fast forward this video to 0:51 seconds and I dare you to suggest otherwise.

Hail King Chavberg

2008-12-05T14:57:00.000-08:00

The Contenders
Mike is a billionaire and Hugo is a socialist. Mike whet his teeth at Harvard Business School and later Wall Street, while Hugo was crushing insurgents as a decorated military commander. Mike is the President of New York City and Hugo is President of a country which would otherwise escape the attention of the US State Department were it not for its oil reserves. Bloomy is a respected political figure but Chavy's considered a dictator.

The Matchup
Although worlds apart, both Mike and Hugo were democratically elected. And both believe they should continue to be leaders of their respective fiefdoms longer than legislation allows.

Mike says, "We need continuity of leadership in these difficult financial times!

Hugo says, "We need continuity of leadership in these difficult social realities!"

Heavyweight Champ of the World
Ok, it's true we are talking about extending a mayor's term limits to 12 years and a president's (possibly) indefinitely. But Hugo has plans to bring the referendum up for another public vote. Mike strong-armed the city council into passing the new law without the public's voice.

This is sticky territory as far as democracy goes (those pesky Federalist papers!). But based on history, isn't a really rich white guy far more likely to become a monarch and stay there than a latino socialist from an oil-rich southern country? In the ring, there is no doubt that Hugo would punish Gotham's chief executive. But in terms of political might and staying power, I'm not so sure...

You thought D.O.D. stood for "dod"

2008-12-02T14:04:00.001-08:00

Apparently Barack hasn't read this blog. If he had, I'm certain the American public would be hearing about some very different incoming cabinet secretaries.

I can see now that maybe Suge Knight is just too abrasive for the Department of Defense job. But why not M.O.P., Barry? Maybe you find these young men too rowdy and too cavalier to be pillars of diplomacy? Perhaps you fear they would revert too easily to the use of force as a tool for spreading democracy?

Well, maybe you haven't read Robert Gates' resume recently. Bobby was "very involved" in the Iran-Contra Affair in the 80's. Some of you kids may have heard of it? This tiny blip in US history occurred when our government overthrew the government of Nicaragua (killing many people in the process) and financed it all by selling guns to Iran, via Israel, in exchange for Hezbollah hostages. Frankly, I prefer the traditional timberland boot and baseball bat beatdown. No secret Pentagon meetings or backdoor deals with frenemies in the Middle East, just good old fashion whoop ass when and where you need it.

Apparently, swagger is made not born

2008-11-30T06:25:00.001-08:00

Two wonderful videos featuring Young Hov when he was just that. Rest assured kids, you too can grow out of those tight shorts and nerdy t-shirts into silk-lined blazers and purple label neckties.

Jaz & Jay-Z, The Originators - 1990

Did you know that Jay was on that BK pro-black righteous tip, even just for a minute?!

Another joint with Jaz, Hawaiian Sophie - 1989
Please peep the shorts.

(thanks fraternal unit)

Is Barack Black?

2008-11-20T14:38:00.000-08:00

Not so many years ago grown people called me 'milano,' confusing the offensive name for a mule and a pepperidge farm cookie. It's exciting how much more sophisticated the dialog around race has become now that someone brown will be living in the white house. Although I was blogging about these nuances ages (ok, days) ago, this article is super interesting and from a legitimate news source (thanks Nora!).

"One well-known African American writer, Debra Dickerson, famously objected to calling Obama black on the grounds that because he is not descended from slaves, he is not of the people properly defined as "black." Ergo, he is not black - at all."

The implications of this are fascinating...and I can't help but relish in the thought of being blacker than Barack. Booyakah! Look who's coming to dinner on Turtle Island!!!!

However, the author - of mixed origin - concludes:
"Many of us forged a black identity, one that was not at odds with being mixed-race, but arose out of our experiences as mixed people: from an awareness that the racial dilemma we were born into has its deepest roots in anti-black prejudice. For us, being black and mixed-race are not mutually exclusive. We have learned to live with the contradictions. Perhaps it's time for everyone else to learn to live with them too."

Evo: Congrats and F-- Off!

2008-11-18T20:02:00.000-08:00

For those of you who missed this news story, here is brief summary:

Evo Morales(President of Bolivia): Congrats to Barack Obama! He is the first Black president of his country, and I am the first Indigenous one of mine. We have a lot in common and I look forward to improving diplomatic ties.

However, "The DEA will not return [to Bolivia] whilst I am still president." Sucka.

I didn't appoint a Drug Czar in my previous post...but this interview makes me think that Immortal Technique might be the only man to head the DEA.

Thoughts from Cuba, Bolivia, Argentina, and Nicaragua

2008-11-18T19:30:00.000-08:00

Very brief remarks from some of Latin American's "leftist" leaders about Obama. I'm certainly no expert on the subject, but I have found it super interesting to note who in the general spanish news is using the word "negro" and who is saying "afro americano" to describe him...

(Sorry if you don't understand the spanish!)

Barry: It's time to put your homies on.

2008-11-13T18:42:00.000-08:00

He brushed off his shoulders during a major campaign speech. He told us he has Jigga on the Ipod. "Barry" even fits perfectly with a surprisingly long line of corny rapper birth names (Curtis, Earl, Clifford, Lonnie, Dennis, Marshall, Gary, Lawrence, etc**). So make good on your promises, B and put a little hip hip on the payroll!

Without further ado, you're now tuned in to the motherf--g greatest [white house cabinet ever]

Department of Agriculture: Fat Joe
cuz my man can eat. and this might encourage him to at least pick up a side of green beans next time...
runner up: Dead Prez (although i would not be happy with a mandatory lentil soup diet)

Department of Commerce: Jay-Z
the wall street journal called him the new alan greenspan. he threw euros around in his music video. he's a business, not a man. (how awkward is this photo, though?)
runner up: foxy brown, but only if she promises to use math from affirmative action

Department of Health & Human Services: KRS-one
i think he's been lobbying for this position his entire career. now he can keep his self righteous lyrics to himself and focus on setting policy or something.
runner up: i would have said chuck d, but his credibility has been seriously undermined by his former side kick and minstrel performer flavor flav, so i will nominate immortal technique instead

Department of Labor: Big Tymers
they said, 'i got that work.' with unemployment at 6.5% and rising, we could use that kind of confidence in the job sector.

Department of Defense: Suge Knight
except for that minor incident outside of some nightclub, no one is going to mess with suge knight. not mahmoud. not yong-il. not even osama is that dumb.
runners up: M.O.P.

Department of Housing & Urban Development: Juvenile
in all seriousness, can you think of anyone else - rapper or otherwise - who grew up in the projects and then owned/managed them? for better or for worse, magnolia projects were razed after katrina but juve would certainly be up for the job. and he could probably use the work.
runner up: master p

Department of the Interior: Nas
does anyone know what the department of the interior does? it's a good post for nasir because he isn't really good at anything in particular, but we want to keep him around.
runner up: nature to run the national parks, papoose to liaise with american indians

Department of Transportation: Xzibit
clearly he is committed to cutting emissions by any means necessary.

Department of Education: Soulja Boy
hey, i know what you're thinking. but he knows how to talk to the yout. i'm sure if we give him a little time and guidance, he can figure out how to teach the periodic table with dances. (watch me hydrogen that chromium, oh!)
runner up: kanye (he dropped out, but he went back! perfect guy to fight truancy.)

Department of Justice: Remy Ma
it's important to have someone with an intimate knowledge of the criminal justice system
runner up: ice-t (he plays a good cop on tv)

Department of the Treasury: 50 Cent

he doesn't use words with more than two syllables, but 50's got ridiculous wealth (real wealth too, stocks and shit, not just oversized jewelry - though obviously he's got that too). as long as he doesn't spend the coffers at Fort Knox on steroids, I think we're okay.
runner up: slick rick

Department of Veteran Affairs: Capone-n-Noreaga

straight from iraq/lefrak, these guys know what it's like to survive a war. and they know how it feels to be a veteran (ie, you used to contribute to society, but now you just mutter to yourself on the seven train)
runner up: Prodigy (shook ones need health insurance [part] too) or Boot Camp Clik

**If you can identify all the rappers on this list please leave a comment below. I will give you a special prize. And ask for your hand in marriage.

Baddest Bitches Series: WWSNPD?

2008-11-12T19:01:00.000-08:00

In all major life decisions, I only have to ask myself one question: WWSNPD - What Would Salt N Pepa Do? Whatever the situation, this song guides me above the conflict to a place of moral clarity.

Thanks, Salt. Thanks, Pep. Thanks, Spin. You will never know all the ways you have touched my life.

Comments on Prop 8

2008-11-12T18:26:00.001-08:00

(thanks laurar)

Notes on a Scandal: Beyonce & Barack

2008-11-07T18:48:00.000-08:00

Despite my enthusiasm, I am a realist. So I have been trying to prepare myself for the scandals that will undoubtedly befall our dear crown prince. I know Barack is up for the job - but I am sure he will be dragged over the coals in the process. Here is my prediction of what will happen.

The scene:
Beyonce purring "Happy Birthday Mr. President" to an embarrassed Barack Obama while a furious Michelle and the entire TV-watching public looks on in sordid fascination.

The background:
It all begins with the discovery of S. Carter in bed with yet another B-list sex kitten entertainer (think Rihanna). Beyonce has already worked through several of these humiliations with her shrink, and just can't stomach any more canary diamond apologies.

Like any good alter ego, Sasha Fierce steps in to enact punishment on the wayward husband. Revenge sex is the only obvious response. But with whom?

The rules of revenge sex are clear: the candidate must be a sworn enemy of the offending party or a better, greater, more accomplished man than he (a mentor or idol is best). No one cares about Dame Dash (and who wants to be inspiration for another diss track, that is so Faith Evans), thus that option is promptly discarded. But who else is more successful, with more money and more swagger than Young Hov himself? Not many guys on that list... except the First Black President of the United States of America! Owww!

I'm not sure of exactly how the seduction will unfold, but we all know that Barack never met girls like Beyonce in Hawaii. He has no antibodies to resist a thick-thighed Texas girl who has her mind made up. It won't be long before he is rendered totally defenseless in the face of her bootyliciousness.

Flash forward:
It is Barack's first Oval Office Birthday Party. Sasha is there in a fur coat and something slinky, acting like no one else is around as she sings about US Steel and caresses herself on stage. The realization will hit the viewing public all at once: holy shit, those two are fucking!

At one point, Obama will attempt to diffuse the situation while borrowing from Beyonce's cuckold husband, whispering Chill baby girl, my giiirl is here... Beyonce continues unphased. Joe Biden and Bill Clinton will give eachother a fist pump backstage.

Resolution:
I am not sure who would win in a fight between Michelle and Beyonce. If forced, I would probably put my money on Michelle but I think Beyonce's youth could give her an advantage.

Meanwhile, Beanie Sigel and a whole crew of bushy-bearded Phillyites will be begging Jay to roll up the White House on four-wheelers. Similar calls will come in from the other Mr. Carter, the guys from Linkin Park, Foxy, and even Diddy (although the latter being more of a formality, as everyone knows Puff wouldn't actually do anything). Other Def Jam artists, hoping to get in his good graces and maybe be rewarded with some marketing dollars for their shelved albums, will also offer their services.

Jigga will shrug off the various plots to reclaim his manhood, vowing to strike alone and with unbelievable force. Instead, he will retreat to his studio and record thinly veiled songs about his feelings. Most notable releases from this time period to be "Song Cry II" and "Black Republicans: For Real This Time, Let's Switch Parties."

Letter to Bill

2008-11-05T11:00:00.000-08:00

Dear Mr. Clinton,

The only reason we called you the First Black President was because we didn't see a real one on the horizon. But now that balance has been restored, you're just a white guy with a saxophone. Please relinquish the title immediately.

Sincerely,

Me

PS. Let this be a lesson to you Mr. Obama. If someone with two black parents from a black community gets elected, your title might change to First Mixed President.

Voting Makes Me Hot

2008-11-04T13:33:00.000-08:00

My report from the Washington Heights polling station:

Despite the lines, people left the voting booths beaming. I was stunned to see so many folks looking absolutely joyful and ebullient in a dingy elementary school cafeteria. I'm not sure if it is the nature of this historic election, the charming effect of participating in the political process, or the intimate yank on a phallic lever inside a tiny cloth room (the exact machine I used today is pictured above) - but there was magic in the air! Let's hope the enchantment continues...

You Can Vote However You Like

2008-11-01T10:57:00.000-07:00

TI inspired lyrics + Voting + Knee high socks. This is what makes me proud to be an American.

Our Generation's Purple Rain

2008-10-31T09:37:00.000-07:00

If you're not excited, something's seriously wrong with your synapses.

God Bless You

2008-10-28T11:30:00.000-07:00

A couple weeks back I was walking along the subway platform, rushing to or from something for which I was undoubtedly late. As I passed, a young guy cocked his head to the side and said something I couldn't quite hear. He was a gangly teenager, so I did not blurt out the standard "What did you just say to me?!" Instead I just asked him tartly to repeat himself.

"I said, God bless you." There was no whistling, teeth sucking, nor attempt to approach me. Just an extra emphasis on the Gaaaawd part.

I was caught off guard. If it sounds like run-of-the-mill street harassment, but the words are actually an invocation of God, what's a girl to do? It's like smiling at someone and telling them you hate them. Or visa-versa, I guess. Except he was confusing God with sex and I'm not Catholic so I can't process that thinking (jk!!). So I think I mumbled 'thank you,' and shuffled off in confusion.

Since then, I have noticed that guys ask the Lord to bless me regularly. At first I thought it was just my neighborhood, where a lot folks have stickers of Jesus on their apartment doors and candles in the windows. But now, I've got Jah, Yaweh, JC, and all them guys accompanying me on street corners all over the city. A couple of years ago, I would have heard any number of nasty things on the street. Now, only blessings...

Have young men finally stumbled upon the perfect catcall? A jeer that can brilliantly neutralize women with the use of a confusing religious message AND still maintain control over the public space? It's genius. Thank God!

Monkey President

2008-10-25T12:35:00.000-07:00

This is really hard to watch...

Are mixed people snitches?

2008-10-21T09:55:00.000-07:00

My brother recently took offense to one of my posts, Regarding Stuff White People Like, where I wrote that being mixed is "part Donnie Brasco." I sat in the room while he read, hoping he would approve and maybe even chuckle. But before reaching the second paragraph, he threw up his hands as if scalded by the keyboard, swiveled his chair authoritatively and informed me quite seriously that I was mistaken.

I don't know what kind of mixed you are, he said, but I'm no snitch.

Ouch.

I tried to explain. I meant racial informants, not the rats that our favorite rappers taught us to despise. I meant unofficial spokespeople, like when back in the day my bad ass friends elected me the pale and innocent-looking ambassador to calm the respective parents/teachers/police officers and assure them we weren't up to any trouble. Stool pigeon in the sense that us mixed folk have been on both sides of the interrogation room glass, translating and being translated. In other words, we are cultural double agents allowed special access to information usually reserved for insiders. Definitely not snitches.

But then I started to think... There have certainly been times when white people let me in on a secret, usually unknowingly, and I've practically sprinted to share this insight with everyone else. (Someone remind me to write a post about the white people I overheard discussing why they won't vote for Obama). But isn't this more like telling the hoppers that the boys in blue are planning a bust of their corner? Given black/white power dynamics, this can hardly classify as snitching. We'd be crooked cops, maybe. Even those torturous afternoons in college when I was forced to tediously e-x-p-l-a-i-n some feature of black culture to white students wouldn't make me a narc per se. Snitches get stitches, everyone knows that.

Despite my arguments, my brother is demanding a retraction. He knows that I never watched the second tape of Scarface, that I know all the words to Carlito's Way, and that I would spit on that guy from Goodfellas. He even remembers how I used to threaten to fight Diane Keaton in the second Godfather movie. Nonetheless, my brother looks at me funny now and only talks to me in the car with the radio on. I'm definitely not retracting my analogy, but it certainly leaves something to think about...

In the case that mixed people are indeed snitches, the rest of you might want to think twice before divulging guarded racial secrets in our presence. Or simply move to Maine and avoid California, Alaska, Oklahoma (wtf?), northern Michigan, and all Hawaiian islands. Fucking forget about it.

untitled

2008-10-15T17:32:00.000-07:00

Baddest Bitches Bureau Chief: Tina Fey

2008-10-10T09:10:00.000-07:00

Long before the genius Sara Palin impersonations, Tina Fey became my role model and hero. In this clip she showcases every modern woman's dilemma: food vs. men. Well done T!

Nerdy women will inherit the earth

Meltdown Madness

2008-10-09T04:53:00.000-07:00

Who's in??

What do Condoleeza Rice and Barack Obama Say to One Another When They Pass in the Hall?

2008-10-08T17:53:00.000-07:00

Two figures spot one another from opposite ends of a dimly lit federal hallway. Each entertains ducking into a nearby office, but resists. They move closer, making just enough eye contact to be polite. Ms. Rice leafs intensely through the file folders she carries. Senator Obama struts toward her, sashays even, while adjusting his Hartmarx tie. Before the inner monologues can really develop ("I get so tired of dealing with these..."), they have reached a distance at which speaking becomes necessary.

B: Condy.

C: Barry.

B: You're well, I assume?

C: Indeed. And yourself?

B: I'm well, thank you.

C: And Michelle?

B: Oh, she's fine. She enjoyed meeting you the other day, we should do that again sometime.

C. Yes, sometime. Well, give her my best.

B: Of course. Have a good day.

C: You too, Barry.

B and C: (simultaneously under their breath as the walk away) #&$%@!

20 Billion For Every Year He's Been Alive

2008-10-07T07:34:00.000-07:00

Neel Kashkari
Curriculum Vitae

Objective: I am very interested in furthering my skills as the Interim Head of the Office of Financial Stability. I am highly qualified for this position because I have worked for the US Treasury for two whole years and all my buddies from Goldman work here now too. I have a lot of good ideas about what to do with the $700 billion because I used to build space ships. I'm 35 and I'm from Ohio, so I am confident that I can reinstill confidence in our shaky markets.

EDUCATION
- MBA, University of Pennsylvania (2002)
- MS, Engineering, University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign
- BS, Engineering, University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign

WORK EXPERIENCE
- Head of Subprime Fast-Track Loan Modification Plan, US Treasury Department (2006-present)
- Vice President, Goldman Sachs (2002-2006)
- Technology Developer for NASA Space Science Missions, TRW (sometime in the 90s)

SKILLS
- Excellent silent figurehead capabilities
- Eagle-like stare

Sweatshops Exist Because...

2008-10-06T19:45:00.000-07:00

no one in their right mind would actually sit down and try to decipher all this shit unless they knew they'd be getting a hefty salary afterwords. All the normal people didn't take calculus in high school.

You ain't a pimp, you just pissed off

2008-10-05T18:41:00.001-07:00

Track from Murs' new album. Unfortunately, I don't love this CD (I really wanted to) and I don't even love this song. But I think that there should be more rap songs telling guys to buy tampons for their girlfriends.

fallopian pranks

2008-10-04T14:15:00.000-07:00

those wily fallopian tubes are at it again!

i have it from a credible source that a fertility crisis is afoot: all the wrong people are getting married and having kids. if you are one of my many friends that are married or in the process of tying the knot, i'm definitely not talking about you. i'm talking about my other friends. seriously. the friends who have been so quick to promise forever (do you know how many lifetimes that could be!?) because they're afraid to be the last person on the island. or the ones who are giving their kids custom nikes and myspace pages. (why do you do this with the myspace page? it is not clever to pretend that an infant is typing and uploading pictures.)

my roommate (if she read this blog) might call this particular rant a case of the sour grapes. and indeed, she might have a point. i am reminded monthly of the hormonal cross i bear as penance for my heretofore unwillingness/inability to fulfill my assigned biological duties. as the years pass, the first rumbles of abdominal cramps have gone from a moment of euphoric relief to a stand-up routine with me as the focus. i get it. the biological clock is ticking, chiming, coo-kooing, whatever.

still, the last thing we need is more fucked up little kids from fucked up families. as a former member of this group (F.U.L.K.F.F.U.F.), i would like to think that a little dysfunction is ok. charming, even. but i can't stop wondering what is the point of it all? i am happy for those of you who have morphed two identities into a single unit, i really am; maybe even a teeny bit jealous. but i still don't get it. maybe the biological impulse to create our own little where's waldo butterball (see photo) is too overpowering to decipher, much less resist. i don't know.

i hope to one day participate in this circus of childbirth. but i will be sure to do it for the right reasons and not as a compensation for some weird personality flaw. if i have kids, it will be solely to showcase that my progeny are smarter, more attractive, more athletic, and more successful than those of my ex-boyfriend. this will, by extension, prove that i am better than him too. i need to get started soon though, because i'm expecting an email from him any day ("wonderful news, sarah/megan/allison/kate and i are pregnant and the baby's already been accepted to harvard!").

if you know someone who might be willing to aid my ovarian space race, please leave a comment below. thanks!

I'd like to give a shout out to all my lil homies

2008-10-03T08:45:00.000-07:00

Please just imagine what the response would have been if Barack or Michelle ever said they wanted to give a "shout out" to anyone, big or little. Yet another terrifying reminder of how pervasive hip hop culture is. How the hell did it leak into the crevices of Alaskan municipal government? Jeeze.

Luckily, I also found a video of daughter Bristol's babydaddy giving a shout out too. Wonder who inspired who.

(Ok this is not really a video of Levi McHotPocket, but this is how I would like to imagine him)

Someone help that baby!

2008-10-01T10:11:00.000-07:00

Me watching this thirty second spot:

Ugh.
Really?
I don't want to...
Oh man.
Poor girl.
Yikes.
Oh no.
Wait.
Oh noooo.
Whose baby is that?
Oh my God.
Get away from that child!
Someone help that baby!
Right now! Please help him!!
Isn't there anyone in the studio?!
Can't you see the baby's not moving??!!
I can't even imagine what she's breathing on him.
Liquor?
Weed smoke?
Penis breath?!!?!?!
Oh...wait.
Didn't she have a baby recently?
Ohhhh...that's her baby.
My bad.

Captain Blackbeard Meets Captain Planet

2008-09-30T09:35:00.001-07:00

All this talk about the stock market has obscured an otherwise fascinating news story. Think sword fights, eye patches, peg legs, and rum-drunk parrots. Yup, you guessed it: Pirates! On September 25, a group of Somali men hijacked a Ukranian ship filled with heavy weaponry. They are now demanding a ransom to the tune of $20 million. And they say they only take cash. En garde!

Indeed, it is 2008 and these buccaneering bandits are still wreaking havoc on the high seas. But instead of the Johnny Depp-like buffoonery we might expect from contemporary pirates, the issue is actually quite complicated and highly political. These modern-day scallywags appear to be less scally, more wag.

Somali officials confirmed that the seamen are actually former fisherman who began to organize themselves 15 years ago to stop illegal fishing. After the collapse of the Somali government in 1991, international fleets flocked to the area. The foreigners stripped the coast of its valuable product, did not pay taxes, and left thousands without a source of livelihood. The 'pirates' would confront illegal fisherman and demanded a tax.

The US military shouted, "They're going to give guns to terrorists!" The response: "We don’t want these weapons to go to anyone in Somalia. Somalia has suffered from many years of destruction because of all these weapons. We don’t want that suffering and chaos to continue. We are not going to offload the weapons. We just want the money." Word.

Somali diplomats say, "They're criminals!" The response: “We don’t consider ourselves sea bandits. We consider sea bandits those who illegally fish in our seas and dump waste in our seas and carry weapons in our seas. We are simply patrolling our seas. Think of us like a coast guard.” It is hard to stick to our beloved dichotomy of good/evil when the badguys sound more coherent than the good ones... The 'badguys' even call themselves The Central Region Coast Guard.

Are they environmental avengers or nautical marauders? Who can say. But after our massively failed foray into neoliberalism, I say we make all parties responsible walk the plank! Bush, Rove, Paulson, Bernanke, Greenspan. The whole bunch. Send em to Davy Jones' locker! Or at the very least, how about a $700 billion case of scurvy?

Watch this really interesting BBC Video!!!!

Real talk from Sarah Silverman

2008-09-29T08:01:00.000-07:00

A First Date - True Story

2008-09-25T08:28:00.000-07:00

Place - New York City
Time - September 2008

He pulls up in his shiny new car.

I get in.

Me: Hi, how's it going?!

Him: Good, how are you?

Me: Pretty good. Hey, what are you listening to?

Him: Oh, this? This is HIP HOP (pronounced slowly and loudly, while leaning over the center console to ensure all enunciations go directly down into my eardrum)

Me: Oh. Cool. I think I read about this stuff in the New Yorker once. Sammy Davis Jr, Frank Sinatra, and some other guys right?

Baddest Bitches Series: Penny

2008-09-24T10:23:00.000-07:00

Of course we all love that cooky Gadget. But it's pretty clear who is the brain of that crime-fighting operation. That is, besides the dog whose name is, well..Brain.

Community Service

2008-09-19T07:34:00.001-07:00

On the mornings when I'm not running late, I hit up a small coffee shop around the corner from my job. I think this is the first time that I've stayed in one place long enough for employees to know what my "regular" is (coffee with soy milk and sugar, raisin bagel with butter). My sociological experiment in how diverse communities of people interact with one another, one might call it the ability to have normal human relationships, has been at once joyful and terrifying. Emboldened by a new sense of belonging, feeling like it might be okay that strangers know my innermost earthly desires/breakfast preferences, I find myself suddenly more likely to reach out to fellow new yorkers in their times of need.

Last week I was waiting for my butter vessel to toast when in walks a slim, well-dressed but not overly fashionable man in his late twenties/early thirties. He orders a coffee with skim milk and half a packet of splenda. Half? she asks from across the counter, looking perplexed. Yes, HALF a packet. Of SPLENDA. I exchanged worried glances with the other regulars, knowing instantly that one of our own was in trouble. I leaned over and patted his cardigan clad arm. Sweetie, indulge yourself. All that work you've been doing selling advertisements for some obscure trendy magazine and/or turning closetlike downtown apartments into dream homes, you've earned one full packet of carcinogenic confection. Go for it dear! You only live once!

I own AIG!

2008-09-19T07:34:00.000-07:00

And unfortunately, so do you, fellow taxpayer. Last night the fed decided to buy bad mortgage loans from investment banks to prevent more institutions from going under. NPR said that American taxpayers are going to own a "toxic porfolio" of the country's riskiest loans. And how will we pay for this sludge? Well, no one seems to be saying yet but I have a feeling it starts with C and ends with hina.

PS - here's a great linik to the BBC's layman's finance crisis glossary

Say Whaaat?!

2008-09-17T10:01:00.000-07:00

Rick James - Give It To Me Baby
Uploaded by Master_System

Wall Street is a Nude Beach

2008-09-16T07:38:00.000-07:00

Several months ago, financial ninja Warren Buffet (not pictured above, but wouldn't that be funny?) told Fortune Magazine that investment houses have been "swimming naked." Their risky investments, he warned, would soon reveal that the emperor has no bikini. And all that cash stuffed inside her chacha won't be enough to save us either.

Okay fine...Warren never extended the analogy to include genitalia, but he did refer to Wall Street as a nudist beach. In fact, he has been a harsh critic of the very folks that made him the richest man in the world for some time now. In the wake of the recent bankruptcies/bailouts/buyouts of major players Bear Stearns, Lehman Brothers, Fannie Mae, Freddie Mac, AIG, and Merril Lynch - it seems that "The Oracle" was correct yet again. Honestly, I'm glad that there will be fewer of these arrogant little I-Bankers pontificating in class, but unfortunately these corporate collapses will effects much more than just my school.

One of Warren's biggest warnings surrounds the financial instrument called derivatives. WAIT WAIT WAIT! Before your eyes start glazing over and you scroll down to watch that karaoke video again, let me 'splain it to you!

If an investment is a gamble, then a derivative is a gamble on that gamble. So basically, its like betting on how an investment will perform, instead of on the investment itself. For example, let's say my brother bought a baby racehorse with the hope that it would grow up to win the Kentucky Derby and make him lots of money. I come along today and agree to purchase that horse in a year, before he's old enough to race. Although the price I have offered is less than my bro might make if he won big at the Derby, it's less risky because anything could happen to his horse as it grows up. If his horse is really fat in one year and can't run, then the price I'm offering today is more than he'd get if he tried to sell it on craigslist. But alternately, if his horse is the next Big Brown then I am rich as hell.

JUST BEAR WITH ME A LITTLE BIT LONGER

The contract between my brother and I is called a derivative . There are a number of different varities (options, puts, calls, etc) and they can get extremely complicated. What is so potentially dangerous about derivatives is that the profits and losses are recorded right away, even though no money has actually changed hands and typically won't for years. That gets tricky when all my brothers come home asking to cash in all the contracts I've made...My man Warren said derivatives are "financial weapons of mass destruction." See BBC article for more. Even the FDIC says that derivative activity in the US is more than $56 trillion! Yikes!

So why should us lefties care about the bankers booted off Wall Street, dripping wet and naked? Well, because we and our friends and family (that is, normal people) will be hurt far more than the heads of major financial institutions when the house of cards crumbles. The former Enron and WorldCom execs are doing just fine. But us, we're going to have be smart about our choices over the next couple years and that starts with understanding what these oligarchs are doing with our money (or lack thereof)...

On a personal tip, I'm shopping around for fire-proof safes to start stashing money Great Depression style. I'll TRY to stop racking up my credit on used high-tops from ebay. When the crash comes, I'm going to be prepared in full newsie attire. We all have to play our part, and I'm fairly certain that mine involves a vest.

Unrealistically high bar for karaoke

2008-09-14T17:54:00.000-07:00

Homegirl on the right has been my karaoke muse for years, and now I am sharing her with you. I saw it first on someone's (that's right, you will not be mentioned by name on my very special blog) computer. This was in the age before youtube, and I thought it was lost to me forever. So imagine my joy when I stumbled across it again! Enjoy, hopefully at work with the speakers on really loud.

Poppin protons, poppin bottles....

2008-09-13T09:21:00.000-07:00

physics + rap = awesome

Regarding stuff white people like

2008-09-12T07:59:00.000-07:00

I'm sure you are all familiar with the Stuff White People Like blog. I think its funny and clever and reminds me of a list I've been compiling in my head for more than 20 years. Being mixed (and nerdy) is part embedded reporter, part quirky anthropologist, part donnie brasco. I began my mental list years ago with realizations like this: White people really like woks but they don't like washcloths. They love fancy rugs but they don't use curtains. How curious!

I began to pick and choose which things from each lifestyle that I would adopt. As a child there were no value judgements about which was better/worse. It was more like shopping. Hmmm....yes....please give me one scoop of broadway musicals and one scoop of double dutch. I will learn to diagram sentences (you were right dad, it did help) and I will participate in any type of line or group dancing whenever possible. As I got older, some decisions got harder to make and others were made for me. But at the end of the day, I am a deliberate smorgasbord of Stuff Mixed People Like.

To illustrate this point further, I took the Stuff White People Like "Quiz". Out of 107 stuffs, I liked 57. That is 53%. (I really like The Wire, NPR, and 80s night in particular.)

I can't find a comparable list for what Black People Like. The few other sites I've seen only have 10 or so posts, which as a data set can't really be compared. (White people like data.) Nonetheless, on one such list I scored a 70%. But on What Educated Black People Like, I scored a 13%!

So I propose that the US Census bureau should develop a list of cultural indicators similar to the swpl. Instead of filling in the bubble next to Black (non-Hispanic) or Asian/Pacific Islander or whatever, we could just write down our score. I'm a 73%, what are you? S14%M seeking S88%W for romantic relationship. National Association for the Advancement of People over 51%. A person's individual score could be updated annually, allowing for a more fluid method of self identification. We could enlist those braniac post-grad students at Columbia to develop a framework and write a fat grant for the project.

Until that happens, does anyone want to put money down on the point spread between Michelle and Barack Obama's percentages????

Baddest Bitches Series: Erykah Badu

2008-09-10T14:51:00.000-07:00

Butt naked with glitter and a beeper

A Message to the Fellas:

2008-09-10T11:47:00.000-07:00

Please stop using :0) in text messages to women with whom you'd like to have sex.

The only time men should utilize this emoticon with a female (and I mean ONLY) is if the message is meant for his daughter or little sister under the age of 14. In other words, we don't want to be treated like your pre-pubescent relative.

If you were trying to romance a grown woman, you wouldn't give her a collection of erasers in the shape of ponies, stickers that smell like cherries, or half of a peanut butter sandwich. So then why use this overly saccharine puppy (or is it a clown?) to communicate well wishes? In addition to being highly corny, it is also an eerie evocation of the candy-yielding, trench-coated stranger that our teachers warned us of back in the 80's. "I won't hurt you little girl, you can trust me, I've got a BIG nose and I'm SMILING...! Buahahaaaa!"

This is not an endorsement of boring, adult mating rituals. Playfulness when courting and in life in general is really important. I have been known to wear Catholic school uniforms to work and sweaters with kittens on the front to the bar. I also like cartoons and creamsicles and the electric slide. But come on Guy, if you haven't seen any swollen nostrils from my blackberry, what would possess you to send them to me?

Fat Joe calls Daddy Yankee a Sellout

2008-09-08T07:26:00.000-07:00

Where are the directors of BEEF?!?!

I am not a newcomer to hip hop. I've been a fan for as long as I can remember liking music. Now that I think about it, I have distinct memories of singing "Push It" by salt n pepa at an alarmingly inappropriate age. Anyway, I am not surprised to hear Fat Joe call Daddy Yankee a sellout for endorsing John McCain. The insult brings up really interesting questions of culture and class in the US, ever-present themes in hip hop lyrics despite many critics' assertions otherwise. I won't get into defending that thesis here. The point is, as a devoted but sometimes beleaguered hip hop fan, I was amused to see one of rap's regulars address Yankee's endorsment. I read the first couple paragraphs of the MTV article and I gave the bronx rapper a solid head nod. But what was even more intriguing was the quote buried midway through the article:

"How could you want John McCain in office when George Bush and the Republicans already have half a million people losing their homes in foreclosure? We're fighting an unjust war. It's the Latinos and black kids up in the frontlines, fighting that war. ... We over here trying to take the troops out of Iraq and bring peace. This guy immediately wants war. If not with Iraq or Afghanistan, he'll start a new one with Iran. I feel real disgusted that Daddy Yankee would do that. Either he did that for a look, or he's just not educated on politics."

I hate to say this, but I was really surprised at his eloquence and political knowledge. No offense, Joseph, but foreclosures? Iran? That's what I'm talking about...! Apparently Joe was at the Democratic National Convention and loves him some Bill and Hillary. This almost makes up for the painful collabos with Ja Rule.

'Joe said he's more than willing to educate Yankee on each of the politicians' platforms. "If he believes John McCain is the better candidate for the Latinos," Joe said, "we could sit down. Even if he wants to get into a debate, we can debate anywhere — New York, Puerto Rico." '

This invitation leads me back to my initial question: Where are the directors of the infamous series BEEF, where rappers battle it out over whatever obscure disagreement they might have (ie, Who is the best skateboarding rapper? Who really got their feelings hurt when Rockafella broke up? Which rapper's name sounds more like a native american baby snuggly? etc etc). I'm trying to see the first ever rap-infused, reggaeton-inspired, political debate slash battle rap. Democrat vs Republican. Mainlaind vs Colony. NYC vs San Juan. Lean Back vs Gasolina. Fat vs Skinny. Guys, I've got the whole opening montage already figured out for you. Put in a call to hot 97 and lets get this thing going!

Wackest Bitches Series: Sarah Palin

2008-09-06T16:44:00.000-07:00

Although I did appreciate the pit bull reference, Sarah Palin is wack.

And why is her hair so freakin shiny?

Baddest Bitches Series: Kudos to Sharon Stone

2008-09-06T16:36:00.000-07:00

Moral of the story, ladies: keep the ace, kick the lester diamond to the curb

vaginal mind tricks part 1

2008-09-06T15:09:00.000-07:00

the only thing worse than a blog, is a blog that is born from a pitiful introductory post. in this preface, the novice blogger will undoubtedly promise their (nonexistent) readership regular, meaningful content. they will explain how happy they are to be making their digital debut. they will comment on the significance of this blog to their life, personal development, and/or professional pursuits. they will thank you for reading and ask for your continued support. the tone is genuine and sweet, and you honestly hope they will be the one diamond in the enormous blog rough to get a book deal or a screenplay or at least some peace of mind. but then you notice the first and last post was dated february 2, 2004. not only did this joker use up a perfectly good blogspot name, but they toyed with your emotions in the meantime.

this blog, in contrast, offers no promises. it will not help me as a person. it will not help you, dear imaginary reader, become a better person either. you will receive no insights, witty quips, nor up-to-date political commentary. it is just a blog. and who can trust anything with an etymology barely a decade old?