fallopian pranks

those wily fallopian tubes are at it again!

i have it from a credible source that a fertility crisis is afoot: all the wrong people are getting married and having kids. if you are one of my many friends that are married or in the process of tying the knot, i'm definitely not talking about you. i'm talking about my other friends. seriously. the friends who have been so quick to promise forever (do you know how many lifetimes that could be!?) because they're afraid to be the last person on the island. or the ones who are giving their kids custom nikes and myspace pages. (why do you do this with the myspace page? it is not clever to pretend that an infant is typing and uploading pictures.)

my roommate (if she read this blog) might call this particular rant a case of the sour grapes. and indeed, she might have a point. i am reminded monthly of the hormonal cross i bear as penance for my heretofore unwillingness/inability to fulfill my assigned biological duties. as the years pass, the first rumbles of abdominal cramps have gone from a moment of euphoric relief to a stand-up routine with me as the focus. i get it. the biological clock is ticking, chiming, coo-kooing, whatever.

still, the last thing we need is more fucked up little kids from fucked up families. as a former member of this group (F.U.L.K.F.F.U.F.), i would like to think that a little dysfunction is ok. charming, even. but i can't stop wondering what is the point of it all? i am happy for those of you who have morphed two identities into a single unit, i really am; maybe even a teeny bit jealous. but i still don't get it. maybe the biological impulse to create our own little where's waldo butterball (see photo) is too overpowering to decipher, much less resist. i don't know.

i hope to one day participate in this circus of childbirth. but i will be sure to do it for the right reasons and not as a compensation for some weird personality flaw. if i have kids, it will be solely to showcase that my progeny are smarter, more attractive, more athletic, and more successful than those of my ex-boyfriend. this will, by extension, prove that i am better than him too. i need to get started soon though, because i'm expecting an email from him any day ("wonderful news, sarah/megan/allison/kate and i are pregnant and the baby's already been accepted to harvard!").

if you know someone who might be willing to aid my ovarian space race, please leave a comment below. thanks!