Notes on a Scandal: Beyonce & Barack

Despite my enthusiasm, I am a realist. So I have been trying to prepare myself for the scandals that will undoubtedly befall our dear crown prince. I know Barack is up for the job - but I am sure he will be dragged over the coals in the process. Here is my prediction of what will happen.

The scene:
Beyonce purring "Happy Birthday Mr. President" to an embarrassed Barack Obama while a furious Michelle and the entire TV-watching public looks on in sordid fascination.

The background:
It all begins with the discovery of S. Carter in bed with yet another B-list sex kitten entertainer (think Rihanna). Beyonce has already worked through several of these humiliations with her shrink, and just can't stomach any more canary diamond apologies.

Like any good alter ego, Sasha Fierce steps in to enact punishment on the wayward husband. Revenge sex is the only obvious response. But with whom?

The rules of revenge sex are clear: the candidate must be a sworn enemy of the offending party or a better, greater, more accomplished man than he (a mentor or idol is best). No one cares about Dame Dash (and who wants to be inspiration for another diss track, that is so Faith Evans), thus that option is promptly discarded. But who else is more successful, with more money and more swagger than Young Hov himself? Not many guys on that list... except the First Black President of the United States of America! Owww!

I'm not sure of exactly how the seduction will unfold, but we all know that Barack never met girls like Beyonce in Hawaii. He has no antibodies to resist a thick-thighed Texas girl who has her mind made up. It won't be long before he is rendered totally defenseless in the face of her bootyliciousness.

Flash forward:
It is Barack's first Oval Office Birthday Party. Sasha is there in a fur coat and something slinky, acting like no one else is around as she sings about US Steel and caresses herself on stage. The realization will hit the viewing public all at once: holy shit, those two are fucking!

At one point, Obama will attempt to diffuse the situation while borrowing from Beyonce's cuckold husband, whispering Chill baby girl, my giiirl is here... Beyonce continues unphased. Joe Biden and Bill Clinton will give eachother a fist pump backstage.

Resolution:
I am not sure who would win in a fight between Michelle and Beyonce. If forced, I would probably put my money on Michelle but I think Beyonce's youth could give her an advantage.

Meanwhile, Beanie Sigel and a whole crew of bushy-bearded Phillyites will be begging Jay to roll up the White House on four-wheelers. Similar calls will come in from the other Mr. Carter, the guys from Linkin Park, Foxy, and even Diddy (although the latter being more of a formality, as everyone knows Puff wouldn't actually do anything). Other Def Jam artists, hoping to get in his good graces and maybe be rewarded with some marketing dollars for their shelved albums, will also offer their services.

Jigga will shrug off the various plots to reclaim his manhood, vowing to strike alone and with unbelievable force. Instead, he will retreat to his studio and record thinly veiled songs about his feelings. Most notable releases from this time period to be "Song Cry II" and "Black Republicans: For Real This Time, Let's Switch Parties."