God Bless Central America

Isn't it funny how quickly the president of an entire country can go from head of state to looking like he sells oranges on the side of the street? I'm saying, no one could have given my man a button down shirt before his press conference? Or at least ironed his v-neck? I mean really.

Barry is cooler than Hova

I can now die happy.



"My president is black, in fact he's half white." Exactly.

Hail King Chavberg

The Contenders
Mike is a billionaire and Hugo is a socialist. Mike whet his teeth at Harvard Business School and later Wall Street, while Hugo was crushing insurgents as a decorated military commander. Mike is the President of New York City and Hugo is President of a country which would otherwise escape the attention of the US State Department were it not for its oil reserves. Bloomy is a respected political figure but Chavy's considered a dictator.

The Matchup
Although worlds apart, both Mike and Hugo were democratically elected. And both believe they should continue to be leaders of their respective fiefdoms longer than legislation allows.

Mike says, "We need continuity of leadership in these difficult financial times!

Hugo says, "We need continuity of leadership in these difficult social realities!"

Heavyweight Champ of the World
Ok, it's true we are talking about extending a mayor's term limits to 12 years and a president's (possibly) indefinitely. But Hugo has plans to bring the referendum up for another public vote. Mike strong-armed the city council into passing the new law without the public's voice.

This is sticky territory as far as democracy goes (those pesky Federalist papers!). But based on history, isn't a really rich white guy far more likely to become a monarch and stay there than a latino socialist from an oil-rich southern country? In the ring, there is no doubt that Hugo would punish Gotham's chief executive. But in terms of political might and staying power, I'm not so sure...

You thought D.O.D. stood for "dod"

Apparently Barack hasn't read this blog. If he had, I'm certain the American public would be hearing about some very different incoming cabinet secretaries.

I can see now that maybe Suge Knight is just too abrasive for the Department of Defense job. But why not M.O.P., Barry? Maybe you find these young men too rowdy and too cavalier to be pillars of diplomacy? Perhaps you fear they would revert too easily to the use of force as a tool for spreading democracy?

Well, maybe you haven't read Robert Gates' resume recently. Bobby was "very involved" in the Iran-Contra Affair in the 80's. Some of you kids may have heard of it? This tiny blip in US history occurred when our government overthrew the government of Nicaragua (killing many people in the process) and financed it all by selling guns to Iran, via Israel, in exchange for Hezbollah hostages. Frankly, I prefer the traditional timberland boot and baseball bat beatdown. No secret Pentagon meetings or backdoor deals with frenemies in the Middle East, just good old fashion whoop ass when and where you need it.

Thoughts from Cuba, Bolivia, Argentina, and Nicaragua

Very brief remarks from some of Latin American's "leftist" leaders about Obama. I'm certainly no expert on the subject, but I have found it super interesting to note who in the general spanish news is using the word "negro" and who is saying "afro americano" to describe him...

(Sorry if you don't understand the spanish!)

Barry: It's time to put your homies on.

He brushed off his shoulders during a major campaign speech. He told us he has Jigga on the Ipod. "Barry" even fits perfectly with a surprisingly long line of corny rapper birth names (Curtis, Earl, Clifford, Lonnie, Dennis, Marshall, Gary, Lawrence, etc**). So make good on your promises, B and put a little hip hip on the payroll!

Without further ado, you're now tuned in to the motherf--g greatest [white house cabinet ever]

Department of Agriculture: Fat Joe
cuz my man can eat. and this might encourage him to at least pick up a side of green beans next time...
runner up: Dead Prez (although i would not be happy with a mandatory lentil soup diet)

Department of Commerce: Jay-Z
the wall street journal called him the new alan greenspan. he threw euros around in his music video. he's a business, not a man. (how awkward is this photo, though?)
runner up: foxy brown, but only if she promises to use math from affirmative action

Department of Health & Human Services: KRS-one
i think he's been lobbying for this position his entire career. now he can keep his self righteous lyrics to himself and focus on setting policy or something.
runner up: i would have said chuck d, but his credibility has been seriously undermined by his former side kick and minstrel performer flavor flav, so i will nominate immortal technique instead

Department of Labor: Big Tymers
they said, 'i got that work.' with unemployment at 6.5% and rising, we could use that kind of confidence in the job sector.

Department of Defense: Suge Knight
except for that minor incident outside of some nightclub, no one is going to mess with suge knight. not mahmoud. not yong-il. not even osama is that dumb.
runners up: M.O.P.

Department of Housing & Urban Development: Juvenile
in all seriousness, can you think of anyone else - rapper or otherwise - who grew up in the projects and then owned/managed them? for better or for worse, magnolia projects were razed after katrina but juve would certainly be up for the job. and he could probably use the work.
runner up: master p

Department of the Interior: Nas
does anyone know what the department of the interior does? it's a good post for nasir because he isn't really good at anything in particular, but we want to keep him around.
runner up: nature to run the national parks, papoose to liaise with american indians

Department of Transportation: Xzibit
clearly he is committed to cutting emissions by any means necessary.

Department of Education: Soulja Boy
hey, i know what you're thinking. but he knows how to talk to the yout. i'm sure if we give him a little time and guidance, he can figure out how to teach the periodic table with dances. (watch me hydrogen that chromium, oh!)
runner up: kanye (he dropped out, but he went back! perfect guy to fight truancy.)

Department of Justice: Remy Ma
it's important to have someone with an intimate knowledge of the criminal justice system
runner up: ice-t (he plays a good cop on tv)

Department of the Treasury: 50 Cent

he doesn't use words with more than two syllables, but 50's got ridiculous wealth (real wealth too, stocks and shit, not just oversized jewelry - though obviously he's got that too). as long as he doesn't spend the coffers at Fort Knox on steroids, I think we're okay.
runner up: slick rick

Department of Veteran Affairs: Capone-n-Noreaga

straight from iraq/lefrak, these guys know what it's like to survive a war. and they know how it feels to be a veteran (ie, you used to contribute to society, but now you just mutter to yourself on the seven train)
runner up: Prodigy (shook ones need health insurance [part] too) or Boot Camp Clik

**If you can identify all the rappers on this list please leave a comment below. I will give you a special prize. And ask for your hand in marriage.

Comments on Prop 8

(thanks laurar)

Notes on a Scandal: Beyonce & Barack

Despite my enthusiasm, I am a realist. So I have been trying to prepare myself for the scandals that will undoubtedly befall our dear crown prince. I know Barack is up for the job - but I am sure he will be dragged over the coals in the process. Here is my prediction of what will happen.

The scene:
Beyonce purring "Happy Birthday Mr. President" to an embarrassed Barack Obama while a furious Michelle and the entire TV-watching public looks on in sordid fascination.

The background:
It all begins with the discovery of S. Carter in bed with yet another B-list sex kitten entertainer (think Rihanna). Beyonce has already worked through several of these humiliations with her shrink, and just can't stomach any more canary diamond apologies.

Like any good alter ego, Sasha Fierce steps in to enact punishment on the wayward husband. Revenge sex is the only obvious response. But with whom?

The rules of revenge sex are clear: the candidate must be a sworn enemy of the offending party or a better, greater, more accomplished man than he (a mentor or idol is best). No one cares about Dame Dash (and who wants to be inspiration for another diss track, that is so Faith Evans), thus that option is promptly discarded. But who else is more successful, with more money and more swagger than Young Hov himself? Not many guys on that list... except the First Black President of the United States of America! Owww!

I'm not sure of exactly how the seduction will unfold, but we all know that Barack never met girls like Beyonce in Hawaii. He has no antibodies to resist a thick-thighed Texas girl who has her mind made up. It won't be long before he is rendered totally defenseless in the face of her bootyliciousness.

Flash forward:
It is Barack's first Oval Office Birthday Party. Sasha is there in a fur coat and something slinky, acting like no one else is around as she sings about US Steel and caresses herself on stage. The realization will hit the viewing public all at once: holy shit, those two are fucking!

At one point, Obama will attempt to diffuse the situation while borrowing from Beyonce's cuckold husband, whispering Chill baby girl, my giiirl is here... Beyonce continues unphased. Joe Biden and Bill Clinton will give eachother a fist pump backstage.

Resolution:
I am not sure who would win in a fight between Michelle and Beyonce. If forced, I would probably put my money on Michelle but I think Beyonce's youth could give her an advantage.

Meanwhile, Beanie Sigel and a whole crew of bushy-bearded Phillyites will be begging Jay to roll up the White House on four-wheelers. Similar calls will come in from the other Mr. Carter, the guys from Linkin Park, Foxy, and even Diddy (although the latter being more of a formality, as everyone knows Puff wouldn't actually do anything). Other Def Jam artists, hoping to get in his good graces and maybe be rewarded with some marketing dollars for their shelved albums, will also offer their services.

Jigga will shrug off the various plots to reclaim his manhood, vowing to strike alone and with unbelievable force. Instead, he will retreat to his studio and record thinly veiled songs about his feelings. Most notable releases from this time period to be "Song Cry II" and "Black Republicans: For Real This Time, Let's Switch Parties."

Letter to Bill

Dear Mr. Clinton,

The only reason we called you the First Black President was because we didn't see a real one on the horizon. But now that balance has been restored, you're just a white guy with a saxophone. Please relinquish the title immediately.

Sincerely,

Me

PS. Let this be a lesson to you Mr. Obama. If someone with two black parents from a black community gets elected, your title might change to First Mixed President.

Voting Makes Me Hot

My report from the Washington Heights polling station:

Despite the lines, people left the voting booths beaming. I was stunned to see so many folks looking absolutely joyful and ebullient in a dingy elementary school cafeteria. I'm not sure if it is the nature of this historic election, the charming effect of participating in the political process, or the intimate yank on a phallic lever inside a tiny cloth room (the exact machine I used today is pictured above) - but there was magic in the air! Let's hope the enchantment continues...

You Can Vote However You Like

TI inspired lyrics + Voting + Knee high socks. This is what makes me proud to be an American.

Monkey President

This is really hard to watch...

What do Condoleeza Rice and Barack Obama Say to One Another When They Pass in the Hall?

Two figures spot one another from opposite ends of a dimly lit federal hallway. Each entertains ducking into a nearby office, but resists. They move closer, making just enough eye contact to be polite. Ms. Rice leafs intensely through the file folders she carries. Senator Obama struts toward her, sashays even, while adjusting his Hartmarx tie. Before the inner monologues can really develop ("I get so tired of dealing with these..."), they have reached a distance at which speaking becomes necessary.

B: Condy.

C: Barry.

B: You're well, I assume?

C: Indeed. And yourself?

B: I'm well, thank you.

C: And Michelle?

B: Oh, she's fine. She enjoyed meeting you the other day, we should do that again sometime.

C. Yes, sometime. Well, give her my best.

B: Of course. Have a good day.

C: You too, Barry.

B and C: (simultaneously under their breath as the walk away) #&$%@!

I'd like to give a shout out to all my lil homies

Please just imagine what the response would have been if Barack or Michelle ever said they wanted to give a "shout out" to anyone, big or little. Yet another terrifying reminder of how pervasive hip hop culture is. How the hell did it leak into the crevices of Alaskan municipal government? Jeeze.

Luckily, I also found a video of daughter Bristol's babydaddy giving a shout out too. Wonder who inspired who.



(Ok this is not really a video of Levi McHotPocket, but this is how I would like to imagine him)