A Message to the Fellas:

Please stop using :0) in text messages to women with whom you'd like to have sex.

The only time men should utilize this emoticon with a female (and I mean ONLY) is if the message is meant for his daughter or little sister under the age of 14. In other words, we don't want to be treated like your pre-pubescent relative.

If you were trying to romance a grown woman, you wouldn't give her a collection of erasers in the shape of ponies, stickers that smell like cherries, or half of a peanut butter sandwich. So then why use this overly saccharine puppy (or is it a clown?) to communicate well wishes? In addition to being highly corny, it is also an eerie evocation of the candy-yielding, trench-coated stranger that our teachers warned us of back in the 80's. "I won't hurt you little girl, you can trust me, I've got a BIG nose and I'm SMILING...! Buahahaaaa!"

This is not an endorsement of boring, adult mating rituals. Playfulness when courting and in life in general is really important. I have been known to wear Catholic school uniforms to work and sweaters with kittens on the front to the bar. I also like cartoons and creamsicles and the electric slide. But come on Guy, if you haven't seen any swollen nostrils from my blackberry, what would possess you to send them to me?