Mind Over Vagina

God Bless You

A couple weeks back I was walking along the subway platform, rushing to or from something for which I was undoubtedly late. As I passed, a young guy cocked his head to the side and said something I couldn't quite hear. He was a gangly teenager, so I did not blurt out the standard "What did you just say to me?!" Instead I just asked him tartly to repeat himself.

"I said, God bless you." There was no whistling, teeth sucking, nor attempt to approach me. Just an extra emphasis on the Gaaaawd part.

I was caught off guard. If it sounds like run-of-the-mill street harassment, but the words are actually an invocation of God, what's a girl to do? It's like smiling at someone and telling them you hate them. Or visa-versa, I guess. Except he was confusing God with sex and I'm not Catholic so I can't process that thinking (jk!!). So I think I mumbled 'thank you,' and shuffled off in confusion.

Since then, I have noticed that guys ask the Lord to bless me regularly. At first I thought it was just my neighborhood, where a lot folks have stickers of Jesus on their apartment doors and candles in the windows. But now, I've got Jah, Yaweh, JC, and all them guys accompanying me on street corners all over the city. A couple of years ago, I would have heard any number of nasty things on the street. Now, only blessings...

Have young men finally stumbled upon the perfect catcall? A jeer that can brilliantly neutralize women with the use of a confusing religious message AND still maintain control over the public space? It's genius. Thank God!

A Message to the Fellas:

Please stop using :0) in text messages to women with whom you'd like to have sex.

The only time men should utilize this emoticon with a female (and I mean ONLY) is if the message is meant for his daughter or little sister under the age of 14. In other words, we don't want to be treated like your pre-pubescent relative.

If you were trying to romance a grown woman, you wouldn't give her a collection of erasers in the shape of ponies, stickers that smell like cherries, or half of a peanut butter sandwich. So then why use this overly saccharine puppy (or is it a clown?) to communicate well wishes? In addition to being highly corny, it is also an eerie evocation of the candy-yielding, trench-coated stranger that our teachers warned us of back in the 80's. "I won't hurt you little girl, you can trust me, I've got a BIG nose and I'm SMILING...! Buahahaaaa!"

This is not an endorsement of boring, adult mating rituals. Playfulness when courting and in life in general is really important. I have been known to wear Catholic school uniforms to work and sweaters with kittens on the front to the bar. I also like cartoons and creamsicles and the electric slide. But come on Guy, if you haven't seen any swollen nostrils from my blackberry, what would possess you to send them to me?