Barry: It's time to put your homies on.
He brushed off his shoulders during a major campaign speech. He told us he has Jigga on the Ipod. "Barry" even fits perfectly with a surprisingly long line of corny rapper birth names (Curtis, Earl, Clifford, Lonnie, Dennis, Marshall, Gary, Lawrence, etc**). So make good on your promises, B and put a little hip hip on the payroll!
Without further ado, you're now tuned in to the motherf--g greatest [white house cabinet ever]
Department of Agriculture: Fat Joe
cuz my man can eat. and this might encourage him to at least pick up a side of green beans next time...runner up: Dead Prez (although i would not be happy with a mandatory lentil soup diet)
Department of Commerce: Jay-Z
the wall street journal called him the new alan greenspan. he threw euros around in his music video. he's a business, not a man. (how awkward is this photo, though?) runner up: foxy brown, but only if she promises to use math from affirmative action
Department of Health & Human Services: KRS-one
i think he's been lobbying for this position his entire career. now he can keep his self righteous lyrics to himself and focus on setting policy or something. runner up: i would have said chuck d, but his credibility has been seriously undermined by his former side kick and minstrel performer flavor flav, so i will nominate immortal technique instead
Department of Labor: Big Tymers
they said, 'i got that work.' with unemployment at 6.5% and rising, we could use that kind of confidence in the job sector. Department of Defense: Suge Knight
except for that minor incident outside of some nightclub, no one is going to mess with suge knight. not mahmoud. not yong-il. not even osama is that dumb. runners up: M.O.P.
Department of Housing & Urban Development: Juvenile
in all seriousness, can you think of anyone else - rapper or otherwise - who grew up in the projects and then owned/managed them? for better or for worse, magnolia projects were razed after katrina but juve would certainly be up for the job. and he could probably use the work. runner up: master p
Department of the Interior: Nas
does anyone know what the department of the interior does? it's a good post for nasir because he isn't really good at anything in particular, but we want to keep him around. runner up: nature to run the national parks, papoose to liaise with american indians
Department of Transportation: Xzibit
clearly he is committed to cutting emissions by any means necessary. Department of Education: Soulja Boy
hey, i know what you're thinking. but he knows how to talk to the yout. i'm sure if we give him a little time and guidance, he can figure out how to teach the periodic table with dances. (watch me hydrogen that chromium, oh!)runner up: kanye (he dropped out, but he went back! perfect guy to fight truancy.)
Department of Justice: Remy Ma
it's important to have someone with an intimate knowledge of the criminal justice system runner up: ice-t (he plays a good cop on tv)
Department of the Treasury: 50 Cent
he doesn't use words with more than two syllables, but 50's got ridiculous wealth (real wealth too, stocks and shit, not just oversized jewelry - though obviously he's got that too). as long as he doesn't spend the coffers at Fort Knox on steroids, I think we're okay.
runner up: slick rick
Department of Veteran Affairs: Capone-n-Noreaga
straight from iraq/lefrak, these guys know what it's like to survive a war. and they know how it feels to be a veteran (ie, you used to contribute to society, but now you just mutter to yourself on the seven train)
runner up: Prodigy (shook ones need health insurance [part] too) or Boot Camp Clik
**If you can identify all the rappers on this list please leave a comment below. I will give you a special prize. And ask for your hand in marriage.
Labels: music, politicking
posted by Saboteur at
6:42 PM
5 Comments:
I dont know about the Fat Joe pick, hes got a lifetime of expertise that makes him a shoe-in for the Food and Drug Administration. And good luck gettin CNN into DOD, I remember NORE in an interview after the War Report saying he wanted Saddam to produce his next joint. Obama dont need another Hussien link, they'd probably be happier regulating "CNN" and "Channel 10" for the FCC. This cabinet is severely lacking some Wu-Syndicate reps, is this a Shaolin finger-slap to the face?? At leas toss the Inspecta Deck a bone with a DEA job, "Uncontrolled Substance" wasnt a gem, but do you really want beef with the Wu-Fam?
i was actually thinking that wu tang could replace the entire supreme court, with rza as chief justice of course. wu affiliates to fill various federal court positions. but good point about CNN, they're definitely better at the FCC.
talib for education.
i don't know about that one... talib can be in charge of Headstart. i'm really not trying to hate on him, but its clear that his best album was blackstar. so unless he and mos are going to share the post, i think he's probably better off dealing with some preschoolers.
Alright dammit, IDs on all rappers listed above, including runners up:
Fat Joe: mi hermano del Bronx, I wish there were more A-list Latino rappers whose shit could get play (Immortal Technique is good but “Dance with the Devil” is something I can only listen to like once every two years and even then I want to poke my eyes out).
Dead Prez: “The average Black male
Live a third of his life in a jail cell
‘Cause the world is controlled by the white male
And the people don’t never get justice
And the women don’t never get respected
And the problems don’t never get solved
And the jobs don’t never pay enough
So the rent always be late
Can you relate?
We livin’ in a Police State!”
Also, apparently according to Dead Prez ganja is a vegetable too…I could roll with that.
Jay-Z: used to be overplayed, now he’s overpaid. Named after one of my trains. Though I would’ve had to pick P-diddy as the Commerce Secretary. Jay-Z claims he’s “not a businessman, [he’s] a biiiizzness…maaaan” but they seriously bring P-diddy into Stern to speak every year…I think he wins on the business front.
Foxy Brown: my dream girl in the 90s (close contender with one of the Fly Girls from In Living Color), later joined NaS and AZ in The Firm
KRS-One: like the quintessential Bronx MC, I love it b/c he still kinda has that Jamaican dub MC sound but is definitively Boogie Down hip-hop. “Manhattan keeps on makin’ it, Brooklyn keeps on takin’ it, Bronx keeps creatin’ it, Queens keeps on fakin’ it!”
Chuck D: Public Enemy yo, I had their shit on tape!! Plus he’ll always have a special place in my heart for “Fight the Power,” theme song of one of my favorite films. But yeah I think guilt by association with Flavor is warranted…god after watching the roast I can’t even read his name anymore without thinking about the tireless repetition of “Flaaaaaaaavorrr Flaaaaaaaaaaaaaav!” Ugggh…and Flavor of Love…ok enough said. Immortal Technique has been discussed briefly above. I met Immortal Technique once at a Jena 6 protest, we marched together for a bit on the way from Washington Square to City Hall.
Big Tymers: from the New Orleans label Cash Money, my peeps from down South play some of that, but gotta say Lil’ Wayne’s the only cat I like from there. Juvenile’s sometimes diggable too. They lost points with me for rhyming “gangsta” and “wangsta” at some point. I usually cut out around there.
Suge Knight: producer of Death Row records, back in the days of Snoop, Dre, eventually Tupac. And he played for the RAMS! Good choice for Defense. Although I would put DMX in…actually maybe he could be White House Chaplain :-), always has those creepy prayers.
M.O.P.: slash slash pop pop kinda crew. Hard ass cats from the BK. “Takin’ prisoners under no conditions.” I think all I’ve got from them is Warriorz.
Juvenile: Also on Cash Money, haha there aren’t too many rappers anymore who grew up in the project period. “Get Ya Hustle On” gets props.
Master P: I think “Make ‘Em Say Uhhh” has to be part of everyone’s hip-hop primary school curriculum.
Nature: All I know from him is the song that samples “It’s a Man’s World.” Another Queens cat who used to roll with NaS.
Papoose: New York Black guy with an Indian stage name, made a sick track about Katrina. Isn’t there a rapper who’s actually Native American? I thought there was some dude who was at least half…maybe that’s Jimi Hendrix haha.
NaS: Half-man Half-amazing…can’t pass by the 59th Street bridge without thinking about NaS. “N.Y. State of Mind” is one of the most prized songs in my library. I have a friend whose mom did NaS’s taxes before he was famous. Weird huh?
Xzibit: even swing voters know who Xzibit is…c’mon.
Soulja Boy: just like when white people didn’t figure out what “skeet” actually meant until after Ludacris’s “Get Low” got popular, I think there should’ve been some investigative research on what the “superman” Soulja Boy references in his song actually is. Twisted. Just twisted. I don’t know if I want his ass in charge of educatin’…
Kanye West: He’d be my Dept. of Education guy. He’s even been doing research on international student competitiveness (have you seen his joint with the Teriyaki Boyz?)
Remy Ma: used to roll with Fat Joe. “I’m conceited. I got a reason”
Ice T: the Original Gangsta. Thinks Soulja Boy “single-handedly killed hip-hop” to which Soulja replies “he forefather to my nuts.”
50Cent: the bane of any NYC-public-school-teacher-who-likes-real-hip-hop’s existence. Although apparently as a battle MC he was really good before he got famous.
Slick Rick: responsible for probably the most ubiquitous beat/theme in hip-hop, Children’s Story. And much other awesomeness.
Capone-n-Noreaga: barely on my radar, but I remember that song “Y’all don’t wanna”…“CNN out for them pesos”
Prodigy: part of Mobb Deep, also one of NaS’s peeps, “I’m from Queens goddammit I’m a menace to the planet”
Boot Camp Clik: Cats are from Brownsville…that’s veteran enough for me, the NYPD won’t even go up in there. Plus “Here We Come” gives me confidence that these boys understand post-traumatic stress disorder, veterans’ medical treatment, and most importantly “Honor” :-p
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So that's the list. That took waaaayyyy longer to write than I wanted it to. This'd better be a damned good prize.
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