Remember when biggie asked if he could lace his lyrical douches? This blog is kind of like that, except that I would never compare myself to the late great Christopher Wallace. And douching is actually really bad for you.
Sunday, November 30, 2008
Apparently, swagger is made not born
Two wonderful videos featuring Young Hov when he was just that. Rest assured kids, you too can grow out of those tight shorts and nerdy t-shirts into silk-lined blazers and purple label neckties.
Jaz & Jay-Z, The Originators - 1990
Did you know that Jay was on that BK pro-black righteous tip, even just for a minute?!
Another joint with Jaz, Hawaiian Sophie - 1989 Please peep the shorts.
Not so many years ago grown people called me 'milano,' confusing the offensive name for a mule and a pepperidge farm cookie. It's exciting how much more sophisticated the dialog around race has become now that someone brown will be living in the white house. Although I was blogging about these nuances ages (ok, days) ago, this article is super interesting and from a legitimate news source (thanks Nora!).
"One well-known African American writer, Debra Dickerson, famously objected to calling Obama black on the grounds that because he is not descended from slaves, he is not of the people properly defined as "black." Ergo, he is not black - at all."
The implications of this are fascinating...and I can't help but relish in the thought of being blacker than Barack. Booyakah! Look who's coming to dinner on Turtle Island!!!!
However, the author - of mixed origin - concludes: "Many of us forged a black identity, one that was not at odds with being mixed-race, but arose out of our experiences as mixed people: from an awareness that the racial dilemma we were born into has its deepest roots in anti-black prejudice. For us, being black and mixed-race are not mutually exclusive. We have learned to live with the contradictions. Perhaps it's time for everyone else to learn to live with them too."
For those of you who missed this news story, here is brief summary:
Evo Morales(President of Bolivia): Congrats to Barack Obama! He is the first Black president of his country, and I am the first Indigenous one of mine. We have a lot in common and I look forward to improving diplomatic ties.
However, "The DEA will not return [to Bolivia] whilst I am still president." Sucka.
I didn't appoint a Drug Czar in my previous post...but this interview makes me think that Immortal Technique might be the only man to head the DEA.
Thoughts from Cuba, Bolivia, Argentina, and Nicaragua
Very brief remarks from some of Latin American's "leftist" leaders about Obama. I'm certainly no expert on the subject, but I have found it super interesting to note who in the general spanish news is using the word "negro" and who is saying "afro americano" to describe him...
He brushed off his shoulders during a major campaign speech. He told us he has Jigga on the Ipod. "Barry" even fits perfectly with a surprisingly long line of corny rapper birth names (Curtis, Earl, Clifford, Lonnie, Dennis, Marshall, Gary, Lawrence, etc**). So make good on your promises, B and put a little hip hip on the payroll!
Without further ado, you're now tuned in to the motherf--g greatest [white house cabinet ever]
Department of Agriculture: Fat Joe cuz my man can eat. and this might encourage him to at least pick up a side of green beans next time... runner up: Dead Prez (although i would not be happy with a mandatory lentil soup diet)
Department of Commerce: Jay-Z the wall street journal called him the new alan greenspan. he threw euros around in his music video. he's a business, not a man. (how awkward is this photo, though?) runner up: foxy brown, but only if she promises to use math from affirmative action
Department of Health & Human Services: KRS-one i think he's been lobbying for this position his entire career. now he can keep his self righteous lyrics to himself and focus on setting policy or something. runner up: i would have said chuck d, but his credibility has been seriously undermined by his former side kick and minstrel performer flavor flav, so i will nominate immortal technique instead
Department of Labor: Big Tymers they said, 'i got that work.' with unemployment at 6.5% and rising, we could use that kind of confidence in the job sector.
Department of Defense: Suge Knight except for that minor incident outside of some nightclub, no one is going to mess with suge knight. not mahmoud. not yong-il. not even osama is that dumb. runners up: M.O.P.
Department of Housing & Urban Development: Juvenile in all seriousness, can you think of anyone else - rapper or otherwise - who grew up in the projects and then owned/managed them? for better or for worse, magnolia projects were razed after katrina but juve would certainly be up for the job. and he could probably use the work. runner up: master p
Department of the Interior: Nas does anyone know what the department of the interior does? it's a good post for nasir because he isn't really good at anything in particular, but we want to keep him around. runner up: nature to run the national parks, papoose to liaise with american indians
Department of Transportation: Xzibit clearly he is committed to cutting emissions by any means necessary.
Department of Education: Soulja Boy hey, i know what you're thinking. but he knows how to talk to the yout. i'm sure if we give him a little time and guidance, he can figure out how to teach the periodic table with dances. (watch me hydrogen that chromium, oh!) runner up: kanye (he dropped out, but he went back! perfect guy to fight truancy.)
Department of Justice: Remy Ma it's important to have someone with an intimate knowledge of the criminal justice system runner up: ice-t (he plays a good cop on tv)
Department of the Treasury: 50 Cent he doesn't use words with more than two syllables, but 50's got ridiculous wealth (real wealth too, stocks and shit, not just oversized jewelry - though obviously he's got that too). as long as he doesn't spend the coffers at Fort Knox on steroids, I think we're okay. runner up: slick rick
Department of Veteran Affairs: Capone-n-Noreaga straight from iraq/lefrak, these guys know what it's like to survive a war. and they know how it feels to be a veteran (ie, you used to contribute to society, but now you just mutter to yourself on the seven train) runner up: Prodigy (shook ones need health insurance [part] too) or Boot Camp Clik
**If you can identify all the rappers on this list please leave a comment below. I will give you a special prize. And ask for your hand in marriage.
In all major life decisions, I only have to ask myself one question: WWSNPD - What Would Salt N Pepa Do? Whatever the situation, this song guides me above the conflict to a place of moral clarity.
Thanks, Salt. Thanks, Pep. Thanks, Spin. You will never know all the ways you have touched my life.
Despite my enthusiasm, I am a realist. So I have been trying to prepare myself for the scandals that will undoubtedly befall our dear crown prince. I know Barack is up for the job - but I am sure he will be dragged over the coals in the process. Here is my prediction of what will happen.
The scene: Beyonce purring "Happy Birthday Mr. President" to an embarrassed Barack Obama while a furious Michelle and the entire TV-watching public looks on in sordid fascination.
The background: It all begins with the discovery of S. Carter in bed with yet another B-list sex kitten entertainer (think Rihanna). Beyonce has already worked through several of these humiliations with her shrink, and just can't stomach any more canary diamond apologies.
Like any good alter ego, Sasha Fierce steps in to enact punishment on the wayward husband. Revenge sex is the only obvious response. But with whom?
The rules of revenge sex are clear: the candidate must be a sworn enemy of the offending party or a better, greater, more accomplished man than he (a mentor or idol is best). No one cares about Dame Dash (and who wants to be inspiration for another diss track, that is so Faith Evans), thus that option is promptly discarded. But who else is more successful, with more money and more swagger than Young Hov himself? Not many guys on that list... except the First Black President of the United States of America! Owww!
I'm not sure of exactly how the seduction will unfold, but we all know that Barack never met girls like Beyonce in Hawaii. He has no antibodies to resist a thick-thighed Texas girl who has her mind made up. It won't be long before he is rendered totally defenseless in the face of her bootyliciousness.
Flash forward: It is Barack's first Oval Office Birthday Party. Sasha is there in a fur coat and something slinky, acting like no one else is around as she sings about US Steel and caresses herself on stage. The realization will hit the viewing public all at once: holy shit, those two are fucking!
At one point, Obama will attempt to diffuse the situation while borrowing from Beyonce's cuckold husband, whispering Chill baby girl, my giiirl is here... Beyonce continues unphased. Joe Biden and Bill Clinton will give eachother a fist pump backstage.
Resolution: I am not sure who would win in a fight between Michelle and Beyonce. If forced, I would probably put my money on Michelle but I think Beyonce's youth could give her an advantage.
Meanwhile, Beanie Sigel and a whole crew of bushy-bearded Phillyites will be begging Jay to roll up the White House on four-wheelers. Similar calls will come in from the other Mr. Carter, the guys from Linkin Park, Foxy, and even Diddy (although the latter being more of a formality, as everyone knows Puff wouldn't actually do anything). Other Def Jam artists, hoping to get in his good graces and maybe be rewarded with some marketing dollars for their shelved albums, will also offer their services.
Jigga will shrug off the various plots to reclaim his manhood, vowing to strike alone and with unbelievable force. Instead, he will retreat to his studio and record thinly veiled songs about his feelings. Most notable releases from this time period to be "Song Cry II" and "Black Republicans: For Real This Time, Let's Switch Parties."
The only reason we called you the First Black President was because we didn't see a real one on the horizon. But now that balance has been restored, you're just a white guy with a saxophone. Please relinquish the title immediately.
Sincerely,
Me
PS. Let this be a lesson to you Mr. Obama. If someone with two black parents from a black community gets elected, your title might change to First Mixed President.
My report from the Washington Heights polling station:
Despite the lines, people left the voting booths beaming. I was stunned to see so many folks looking absolutely joyful and ebullient in a dingy elementary school cafeteria. I'm not sure if it is the nature of this historic election, the charming effect of participating in the political process, or the intimate yank on a phallic lever inside a tiny cloth room (the exact machine I used today is pictured above) - but there was magic in the air! Let's hope the enchantment continues...
