Captain Blackbeard Meets Captain Planet

All this talk about the stock market has obscured an otherwise fascinating news story. Think sword fights, eye patches, peg legs, and rum-drunk parrots. Yup, you guessed it: Pirates! On September 25, a group of Somali men hijacked a Ukranian ship filled with heavy weaponry. They are now demanding a ransom to the tune of $20 million. And they say they only take cash. En garde!

Indeed, it is 2008 and these buccaneering bandits are still wreaking havoc on the high seas. But instead of the Johnny Depp-like buffoonery we might expect from contemporary pirates, the issue is actually quite complicated and highly political. These modern-day scallywags appear to be less scally, more wag.

Somali officials confirmed that the seamen are actually former fisherman who began to organize themselves 15 years ago to stop illegal fishing. After the collapse of the Somali government in 1991, international fleets flocked to the area. The foreigners stripped the coast of its valuable product, did not pay taxes, and left thousands without a source of livelihood. The 'pirates' would confront illegal fisherman and demanded a tax.

The US military shouted, "They're going to give guns to terrorists!" The response: "We don’t want these weapons to go to anyone in Somalia. Somalia has suffered from many years of destruction because of all these weapons. We don’t want that suffering and chaos to continue. We are not going to offload the weapons. We just want the money." Word.

Somali diplomats say, "They're criminals!" The response: “We don’t consider ourselves sea bandits. We consider sea bandits those who illegally fish in our seas and dump waste in our seas and carry weapons in our seas. We are simply patrolling our seas. Think of us like a coast guard.” It is hard to stick to our beloved dichotomy of good/evil when the badguys sound more coherent than the good ones... The 'badguys' even call themselves The Central Region Coast Guard.

Are they environmental avengers or nautical marauders? Who can say. But after our massively failed foray into neoliberalism, I say we make all parties responsible walk the plank! Bush, Rove, Paulson, Bernanke, Greenspan. The whole bunch. Send em to Davy Jones' locker! Or at the very least, how about a $700 billion case of scurvy?

Watch this really interesting BBC Video!!!!

Real talk from Sarah Silverman

A First Date - True Story

Place - New York City
Time - September 2008

He pulls up in his shiny new car.

I get in.

Me: Hi, how's it going?!

Him: Good, how are you?

Me: Pretty good. Hey, what are you listening to?

Him: Oh, this? This is HIP HOP (pronounced slowly and loudly, while leaning over the center console to ensure all enunciations go directly down into my eardrum)

Me: Oh. Cool. I think I read about this stuff in the New Yorker once. Sammy Davis Jr, Frank Sinatra, and some other guys right?

Baddest Bitches Series: Penny

Of course we all love that cooky Gadget. But it's pretty clear who is the brain of that crime-fighting operation. That is, besides the dog whose name is, well..Brain.

Community Service

On the mornings when I'm not running late, I hit up a small coffee shop around the corner from my job. I think this is the first time that I've stayed in one place long enough for employees to know what my "regular" is (coffee with soy milk and sugar, raisin bagel with butter). My sociological experiment in how diverse communities of people interact with one another, one might call it the ability to have normal human relationships, has been at once joyful and terrifying. Emboldened by a new sense of belonging, feeling like it might be okay that strangers know my innermost earthly desires/breakfast preferences, I find myself suddenly more likely to reach out to fellow new yorkers in their times of need.

Last week I was waiting for my butter vessel to toast when in walks a slim, well-dressed but not overly fashionable man in his late twenties/early thirties. He orders a coffee with skim milk and half a packet of splenda. Half? she asks from across the counter, looking perplexed. Yes, HALF a packet. Of SPLENDA. I exchanged worried glances with the other regulars, knowing instantly that one of our own was in trouble. I leaned over and patted his cardigan clad arm. Sweetie, indulge yourself. All that work you've been doing selling advertisements for some obscure trendy magazine and/or turning closetlike downtown apartments into dream homes, you've earned one full packet of carcinogenic confection. Go for it dear! You only live once!

I own AIG!

And unfortunately, so do you, fellow taxpayer. Last night the fed decided to buy bad mortgage loans from investment banks to prevent more institutions from going under. NPR said that American taxpayers are going to own a "toxic porfolio" of the country's riskiest loans. And how will we pay for this sludge? Well, no one seems to be saying yet but I have a feeling it starts with C and ends with hina.

PS - here's a great linik to the BBC's layman's finance crisis glossary

Say Whaaat?!

Rick James - Give It To Me Baby
Uploaded by Master_System

Wall Street is a Nude Beach

Several months ago, financial ninja Warren Buffet (not pictured above, but wouldn't that be funny?) told Fortune Magazine that investment houses have been "swimming naked." Their risky investments, he warned, would soon reveal that the emperor has no bikini. And all that cash stuffed inside her chacha won't be enough to save us either.

Okay fine...Warren never extended the analogy to include genitalia, but he did refer to Wall Street as a nudist beach. In fact, he has been a harsh critic of the very folks that made him the richest man in the world for some time now. In the wake of the recent bankruptcies/bailouts/buyouts of major players Bear Stearns, Lehman Brothers, Fannie Mae, Freddie Mac, AIG, and Merril Lynch - it seems that "The Oracle" was correct yet again. Honestly, I'm glad that there will be fewer of these arrogant little I-Bankers pontificating in class, but unfortunately these corporate collapses will effects much more than just my school.

One of Warren's biggest warnings surrounds the financial instrument called derivatives. WAIT WAIT WAIT! Before your eyes start glazing over and you scroll down to watch that karaoke video again, let me 'splain it to you!

If an investment is a gamble, then a derivative is a gamble on that gamble. So basically, its like betting on how an investment will perform, instead of on the investment itself. For example, let's say my brother bought a baby racehorse with the hope that it would grow up to win the Kentucky Derby and make him lots of money. I come along today and agree to purchase that horse in a year, before he's old enough to race. Although the price I have offered is less than my bro might make if he won big at the Derby, it's less risky because anything could happen to his horse as it grows up. If his horse is really fat in one year and can't run, then the price I'm offering today is more than he'd get if he tried to sell it on craigslist. But alternately, if his horse is the next Big Brown then I am rich as hell.

JUST BEAR WITH ME A LITTLE BIT LONGER

The contract between my brother and I is called a derivative . There are a number of different varities (options, puts, calls, etc) and they can get extremely complicated. What is so potentially dangerous about derivatives is that the profits and losses are recorded right away, even though no money has actually changed hands and typically won't for years. That gets tricky when all my brothers come home asking to cash in all the contracts I've made...My man Warren said derivatives are "financial weapons of mass destruction." See BBC article for more. Even the FDIC says that derivative activity in the US is more than $56 trillion! Yikes!

So why should us lefties care about the bankers booted off Wall Street, dripping wet and naked? Well, because we and our friends and family (that is, normal people) will be hurt far more than the heads of major financial institutions when the house of cards crumbles. The former Enron and WorldCom execs are doing just fine. But us, we're going to have be smart about our choices over the next couple years and that starts with understanding what these oligarchs are doing with our money (or lack thereof)...

On a personal tip, I'm shopping around for fire-proof safes to start stashing money Great Depression style. I'll TRY to stop racking up my credit on used high-tops from ebay. When the crash comes, I'm going to be prepared in full newsie attire. We all have to play our part, and I'm fairly certain that mine involves a vest.

Unrealistically high bar for karaoke

Homegirl on the right has been my karaoke muse for years, and now I am sharing her with you. I saw it first on someone's (that's right, you will not be mentioned by name on my very special blog) computer. This was in the age before youtube, and I thought it was lost to me forever. So imagine my joy when I stumbled across it again! Enjoy, hopefully at work with the speakers on really loud.

Poppin protons, poppin bottles....

physics + rap = awesome

Regarding stuff white people like

I'm sure you are all familiar with the Stuff White People Like blog. I think its funny and clever and reminds me of a list I've been compiling in my head for more than 20 years. Being mixed (and nerdy) is part embedded reporter, part quirky anthropologist, part donnie brasco. I began my mental list years ago with realizations like this: White people really like woks but they don't like washcloths. They love fancy rugs but they don't use curtains. How curious!

I began to pick and choose which things from each lifestyle that I would adopt. As a child there were no value judgements about which was better/worse. It was more like shopping. Hmmm....yes....please give me one scoop of broadway musicals and one scoop of double dutch. I will learn to diagram sentences (you were right dad, it did help) and I will participate in any type of line or group dancing whenever possible. As I got older, some decisions got harder to make and others were made for me. But at the end of the day, I am a deliberate smorgasbord of Stuff Mixed People Like.

To illustrate this point further, I took the Stuff White People Like "Quiz". Out of 107 stuffs, I liked 57. That is 53%. (I really like The Wire, NPR, and 80s night in particular.)

I can't find a comparable list for what Black People Like. The few other sites I've seen only have 10 or so posts, which as a data set can't really be compared. (White people like data.) Nonetheless, on one such list I scored a 70%. But on What Educated Black People Like, I scored a 13%!

So I propose that the US Census bureau should develop a list of cultural indicators similar to the swpl. Instead of filling in the bubble next to Black (non-Hispanic) or Asian/Pacific Islander or whatever, we could just write down our score. I'm a 73%, what are you? S14%M seeking S88%W for romantic relationship. National Association for the Advancement of People over 51%. A person's individual score could be updated annually, allowing for a more fluid method of self identification. We could enlist those braniac post-grad students at Columbia to develop a framework and write a fat grant for the project.

Until that happens, does anyone want to put money down on the point spread between Michelle and Barack Obama's percentages????

Baddest Bitches Series: Erykah Badu

Butt naked with glitter and a beeper

A Message to the Fellas:

Please stop using :0) in text messages to women with whom you'd like to have sex.

The only time men should utilize this emoticon with a female (and I mean ONLY) is if the message is meant for his daughter or little sister under the age of 14. In other words, we don't want to be treated like your pre-pubescent relative.

If you were trying to romance a grown woman, you wouldn't give her a collection of erasers in the shape of ponies, stickers that smell like cherries, or half of a peanut butter sandwich. So then why use this overly saccharine puppy (or is it a clown?) to communicate well wishes? In addition to being highly corny, it is also an eerie evocation of the candy-yielding, trench-coated stranger that our teachers warned us of back in the 80's. "I won't hurt you little girl, you can trust me, I've got a BIG nose and I'm SMILING...! Buahahaaaa!"

This is not an endorsement of boring, adult mating rituals. Playfulness when courting and in life in general is really important. I have been known to wear Catholic school uniforms to work and sweaters with kittens on the front to the bar. I also like cartoons and creamsicles and the electric slide. But come on Guy, if you haven't seen any swollen nostrils from my blackberry, what would possess you to send them to me?

Fat Joe calls Daddy Yankee a Sellout

Where are the directors of BEEF?!?!

I am not a newcomer to hip hop. I've been a fan for as long as I can remember liking music. Now that I think about it, I have distinct memories of singing "Push It" by salt n pepa at an alarmingly inappropriate age. Anyway, I am not surprised to hear Fat Joe call Daddy Yankee a sellout for endorsing John McCain. The insult brings up really interesting questions of culture and class in the US, ever-present themes in hip hop lyrics despite many critics' assertions otherwise. I won't get into defending that thesis here. The point is, as a devoted but sometimes beleaguered hip hop fan, I was amused to see one of rap's regulars address Yankee's endorsment. I read the first couple paragraphs of the MTV article and I gave the bronx rapper a solid head nod. But what was even more intriguing was the quote buried midway through the article:

"How could you want John McCain in office when George Bush and the Republicans already have half a million people losing their homes in foreclosure? We're fighting an unjust war. It's the Latinos and black kids up in the frontlines, fighting that war. ... We over here trying to take the troops out of Iraq and bring peace. This guy immediately wants war. If not with Iraq or Afghanistan, he'll start a new one with Iran. I feel real disgusted that Daddy Yankee would do that. Either he did that for a look, or he's just not educated on politics."

I hate to say this, but I was really surprised at his eloquence and political knowledge. No offense, Joseph, but foreclosures? Iran? That's what I'm talking about...! Apparently Joe was at the Democratic National Convention and loves him some Bill and Hillary. This almost makes up for the painful collabos with Ja Rule.

'Joe said he's more than willing to educate Yankee on each of the politicians' platforms. "If he believes John McCain is the better candidate for the Latinos," Joe said, "we could sit down. Even if he wants to get into a debate, we can debate anywhere — New York, Puerto Rico." '

This invitation leads me back to my initial question: Where are the directors of the infamous series BEEF, where rappers battle it out over whatever obscure disagreement they might have (ie, Who is the best skateboarding rapper? Who really got their feelings hurt when Rockafella broke up? Which rapper's name sounds more like a native american baby snuggly? etc etc). I'm trying to see the first ever rap-infused, reggaeton-inspired, political debate slash battle rap. Democrat vs Republican. Mainlaind vs Colony. NYC vs San Juan. Lean Back vs Gasolina. Fat vs Skinny. Guys, I've got the whole opening montage already figured out for you. Put in a call to hot 97 and lets get this thing going!

Wackest Bitches Series: Sarah Palin

Although I did appreciate the pit bull reference, Sarah Palin is wack.

And why is her hair so freakin shiny?

Baddest Bitches Series: Kudos to Sharon Stone

Moral of the story, ladies: keep the ace, kick the lester diamond to the curb

vaginal mind tricks part 1

the only thing worse than a blog, is a blog that is born from a pitiful introductory post. in this preface, the novice blogger will undoubtedly promise their (nonexistent) readership regular, meaningful content. they will explain how happy they are to be making their digital debut. they will comment on the significance of this blog to their life, personal development, and/or professional pursuits. they will thank you for reading and ask for your continued support. the tone is genuine and sweet, and you honestly hope they will be the one diamond in the enormous blog rough to get a book deal or a screenplay or at least some peace of mind. but then you notice the first and last post was dated february 2, 2004. not only did this joker use up a perfectly good blogspot name, but they toyed with your emotions in the meantime.

this blog, in contrast, offers no promises. it will not help me as a person. it will not help you, dear imaginary reader, become a better person either. you will receive no insights, witty quips, nor up-to-date political commentary. it is just a blog. and who can trust anything with an etymology barely a decade old?