Jigga, My Slave-a

Some publishers recently replaced all 219 instances of the word "Nigger" with "Slave" in Huckleberry Finn. I really hated that book in high school, so feel no need to defend its preservation on literary terms, nor in any ACLU-ish, freedom of speech kind of way.

It does make me wonder, however, what would happen if we replaced all occurrences of the word Nigger (including, Nigga, Niggaz, and NIGGA$) with the word Slave in every area of popular culture - movies, music, television, etc.?

(Insert ascending chimes and fuzzy screen as we enter the dream sequence)

- Jay-Z would immediately create a new stage name: Jay-V (rhymes much better with slavey) AKA Young Toby

- An immediate stop to all Kanye record sales. Who would want to pay that dude to call people slaves?

- Funkmaster Flex would put out a mix tape called "Most Traumatic Slave Syndrome!" Straight fire.

- Samuel L. Jackson would still be a very well paid actor

- Cornell West would marry Nikki Minaj (ok, maybe a bit of a non sequitur, but wouldn't that be funny!?)

- The Boondocks wouldn't quite be so funny anymore

- The metaphor of neighborhood block to auction block no longer subtle, Dead Prez would be out of a job

- Tyler Perry would make peace with himself and stop dressing up as Big Mammy (a girl can dream, right?)

- White people would then be afraid to use the word Slave, effectively rendering the education of American History impossible

Guess My Race Trivia

It was, by all accounts, a typical New York City night. I opted out of the freezing subway trip alone, flagged down a car on Broadway, and began the slow trip uptown.

Almost immediately, the driver asks me, "You Dominican?" Nah. "Puerto Rican?" Nah... And so began the very familiar Guess My Race Trivia. After so many years of repeating this exact exercise, you, Dear Reader, can imagine that my enthusiasm for this call and response has waned. On the other hand, I have found some twisted pleasure in timing how long my unknowing contestants will take to arrive at the correct ethnic combination. I offer no suggestions and so the driver continues with all the predictable gusto. All guesses are wrong, a few are amusing.

"Oh, oh, wait. I know! You're from the Middle East, right?" I realized at this point that he might never guess correctly, despite the many blocks ahead. So I explained, per the usual, that I was in fact half white and half black.

"Oh mixed like Mariah Carey." Unfortunately, this response is not new either.

"Yes, like Mariah Carey - but better." I say, no longer amused.

"Ohhh...Mixed like our President!" I know he is beaming, even though I can barely make out his face in the dark. His voice is so proud. To this very new and much more preferable comparison, I am also beaming.

"YES! MIXED JUST LIKE OUR PRESIDENT!"

The driver switched topics pretty abruptly, talking in solemn tones about the impending Armageddon. But I didn't care. All the sudden, I realized people's compasses for understanding my racial roulette suddenly pointed due south, to the oval office. Forget the financial crisis, war with Iran, and climate change. I am glad the guy got elected if for no other reason than he's trumped Mariah in the list of well known mixed people. Hallelujah.

Is Barack Black?

Not so many years ago grown people called me 'milano,' confusing the offensive name for a mule and a pepperidge farm cookie. It's exciting how much more sophisticated the dialog around race has become now that someone brown will be living in the white house. Although I was blogging about these nuances ages (ok, days) ago, this article is super interesting and from a legitimate news source (thanks Nora!).

"One well-known African American writer, Debra Dickerson, famously objected to calling Obama black on the grounds that because he is not descended from slaves, he is not of the people properly defined as "black." Ergo, he is not black - at all."

The implications of this are fascinating...and I can't help but relish in the thought of being blacker than Barack. Booyakah! Look who's coming to dinner on Turtle Island!!!!

However, the author - of mixed origin - concludes:
"Many of us forged a black identity, one that was not at odds with being mixed-race, but arose out of our experiences as mixed people: from an awareness that the racial dilemma we were born into has its deepest roots in anti-black prejudice. For us, being black and mixed-race are not mutually exclusive. We have learned to live with the contradictions. Perhaps it's time for everyone else to learn to live with them too."

Letter to Bill

Dear Mr. Clinton,

The only reason we called you the First Black President was because we didn't see a real one on the horizon. But now that balance has been restored, you're just a white guy with a saxophone. Please relinquish the title immediately.

Sincerely,

Me

PS. Let this be a lesson to you Mr. Obama. If someone with two black parents from a black community gets elected, your title might change to First Mixed President.

Are mixed people snitches?

My brother recently took offense to one of my posts, Regarding Stuff White People Like, where I wrote that being mixed is "part Donnie Brasco." I sat in the room while he read, hoping he would approve and maybe even chuckle. But before reaching the second paragraph, he threw up his hands as if scalded by the keyboard, swiveled his chair authoritatively and informed me quite seriously that I was mistaken.

I don't know what kind of mixed you are, he said, but I'm no snitch.

Ouch.

I tried to explain. I meant racial informants, not the rats that our favorite rappers taught us to despise. I meant unofficial spokespeople, like when back in the day my bad ass friends elected me the pale and innocent-looking ambassador to calm the respective parents/teachers/police officers and assure them we weren't up to any trouble. Stool pigeon in the sense that us mixed folk have been on both sides of the interrogation room glass, translating and being translated. In other words, we are cultural double agents allowed special access to information usually reserved for insiders. Definitely not snitches.

But then I started to think... There have certainly been times when white people let me in on a secret, usually unknowingly, and I've practically sprinted to share this insight with everyone else. (Someone remind me to write a post about the white people I overheard discussing why they won't vote for Obama). But isn't this more like telling the hoppers that the boys in blue are planning a bust of their corner? Given black/white power dynamics, this can hardly classify as snitching. We'd be crooked cops, maybe. Even those torturous afternoons in college when I was forced to tediously e-x-p-l-a-i-n some feature of black culture to white students wouldn't make me a narc per se. Snitches get stitches, everyone knows that.

Despite my arguments, my brother is demanding a retraction. He knows that I never watched the second tape of Scarface, that I know all the words to Carlito's Way, and that I would spit on that guy from Goodfellas. He even remembers how I used to threaten to fight Diane Keaton in the second Godfather movie. Nonetheless, my brother looks at me funny now and only talks to me in the car with the radio on. I'm definitely not retracting my analogy, but it certainly leaves something to think about...

In the case that mixed people are indeed snitches, the rest of you might want to think twice before divulging guarded racial secrets in our presence. Or simply move to Maine and avoid California, Alaska, Oklahoma (wtf?), northern Michigan, and all Hawaiian islands. Fucking forget about it.

What do Condoleeza Rice and Barack Obama Say to One Another When They Pass in the Hall?

Two figures spot one another from opposite ends of a dimly lit federal hallway. Each entertains ducking into a nearby office, but resists. They move closer, making just enough eye contact to be polite. Ms. Rice leafs intensely through the file folders she carries. Senator Obama struts toward her, sashays even, while adjusting his Hartmarx tie. Before the inner monologues can really develop ("I get so tired of dealing with these..."), they have reached a distance at which speaking becomes necessary.

B: Condy.

C: Barry.

B: You're well, I assume?

C: Indeed. And yourself?

B: I'm well, thank you.

C: And Michelle?

B: Oh, she's fine. She enjoyed meeting you the other day, we should do that again sometime.

C. Yes, sometime. Well, give her my best.

B: Of course. Have a good day.

C: You too, Barry.

B and C: (simultaneously under their breath as the walk away) #&$%@!

Regarding stuff white people like

I'm sure you are all familiar with the Stuff White People Like blog. I think its funny and clever and reminds me of a list I've been compiling in my head for more than 20 years. Being mixed (and nerdy) is part embedded reporter, part quirky anthropologist, part donnie brasco. I began my mental list years ago with realizations like this: White people really like woks but they don't like washcloths. They love fancy rugs but they don't use curtains. How curious!

I began to pick and choose which things from each lifestyle that I would adopt. As a child there were no value judgements about which was better/worse. It was more like shopping. Hmmm....yes....please give me one scoop of broadway musicals and one scoop of double dutch. I will learn to diagram sentences (you were right dad, it did help) and I will participate in any type of line or group dancing whenever possible. As I got older, some decisions got harder to make and others were made for me. But at the end of the day, I am a deliberate smorgasbord of Stuff Mixed People Like.

To illustrate this point further, I took the Stuff White People Like "Quiz". Out of 107 stuffs, I liked 57. That is 53%. (I really like The Wire, NPR, and 80s night in particular.)

I can't find a comparable list for what Black People Like. The few other sites I've seen only have 10 or so posts, which as a data set can't really be compared. (White people like data.) Nonetheless, on one such list I scored a 70%. But on What Educated Black People Like, I scored a 13%!

So I propose that the US Census bureau should develop a list of cultural indicators similar to the swpl. Instead of filling in the bubble next to Black (non-Hispanic) or Asian/Pacific Islander or whatever, we could just write down our score. I'm a 73%, what are you? S14%M seeking S88%W for romantic relationship. National Association for the Advancement of People over 51%. A person's individual score could be updated annually, allowing for a more fluid method of self identification. We could enlist those braniac post-grad students at Columbia to develop a framework and write a fat grant for the project.

Until that happens, does anyone want to put money down on the point spread between Michelle and Barack Obama's percentages????